I sit awkwardly on the only bed in the room. He still hasn't said much of anything to me. "Thank you" I manage to get out at a little more than a whisper. "Mmmhmmm" He replies. He pulls up a chair from the table in the corner and sits in front of the TV.. he doesn't want to be here. "You can go if you want, I'll be fine." He ignores me. I look for a bible in the drawers and read the story of why they the bibles in hotels. He answers a knock at the door. It's Jorge and Dominic with pizza and a case of beer. I keep my head down because I know I look crazy with smudged makeup and tear streaks. They start telling Jonathan about a mission they are about to go do but he makes them step outside with him. I can no longer be trusted with such precious information. He comes back inside alone. "You can go with them if you want" I say. He looks at me as if I just said I grew a penis while he was outside. He grabs a beer and sits back in the chair. " I already did my work for today." He says, how much it hurts to not be a part of his world anymore, to be an outsider. "Are they coming back?" I ask, eyeing the case and wondering what one person would need with 24 beers. "Why? You want one of 'em to fuck you or something?" Ouch, it's like a spear through my heart how he carries on with me. He polishes off 6 beers in a row and I try to get him to take a bite of pizza but he won't. His mom shows up with some Olive Garden bread sticks and Alfredo dipping sauce. My favorite. She offers to take some of the beers home but he won't let her. She offers to reimburse him and take us both to her house but he says no and tells her harshly to leave. She extends just me the offer but I shake my head no. I've missed him so, I don't want to leave now. Even if he's already belligerently drunk. He turns on some porn, with his back to the TV, sitting backwards in the chair, he just stares at me. He knows how much I hate it. I keep reading the bible in my hands. "Are you a fucking dyke?" He asks me with his head cocked to the side. "What?" I say confused. "Well are you?" "No." "Then why did you leave me?" "Johnny I didn't leave you, you cou..." "Don't call me Johnny I don't know your ass!" This is pointless, I continue reading and he turns to watch the naked girls on the screen.
After awhile and a couple more beers later, he walks over to me. He grabs me chin with one hand and holds the top of my head still with the other. He points my face to the TV. "Are you a dyke?" He asks me again except it sounds more like an accusation. "NO!" I say without being able to open my jaw to speak. He keeps his grip on my head and jerks it up towards his face. "Then why have you been calling her?" I must look confused because he gets mad and explains. "MONAE! I saw your phone bill. We get into a small argument and you go running back into her arms. Conditional! Your love is CONDITIONAL!" He's shaking my head with every syllable but his grip is so tight I'm scared to resist. "I do love you Johnny, I do." "I said I don't know your ass!" He screams at me while he throws me onto the bed. Much harder than he expected because he looks surprised when I bounce and hit my head on the wall. "I should leave" I say as I get up. He grabs my arm and pulls me toward him. "No, I didn't rent this motel room to jack off to porn." He kisses me, hard, meaningless and full of hate. I'm scared so I kiss him back. He jerks his head back and spits on the ground. "I knew it you're a fucking slut! Virgin my ass, you're probably full of n****r dick . Aren't you! You just can't say no to anybody" "No Jonathan. I just don't know what you want from me. I can't do anything right. I kissed you because I love you." It's the truth but it wasn't my reason. "My love isn't conditional Jonathan, look how you treat me and I've never turned my back on you."
We both look down at the grip he still has on my arm. When he looks back up at me the rage is back. He shakes me "Look at what you've made me do! YOU! You did this to me, you're so GODDAMN stubborn! I know what's right for you but you can never listen!" I see him cock his hand back and then there's a pause. When his hand comes back into reach the hotel phone receiver is in it. He swing at me with it and I try to get away but land on the bed. "Fucking bitch! Just listen to me!" "What am I supposed to do?" "SSHHUUTT UUPP!" The phone comes back down on my arms that are over my face. This isn't him, I have to fight, the man I love isn't in this room. I thrust my palm into his nose. He winces and drops the phone. I grab it. He grabs the Alfredo sauce and throws it my head but it hits the wall splattering me and the bed. "What the fuck is wrong now? You think you're a bad bitch?" His voice, the look in his eyes, the blood dripping down his face, the menacing way he's cracking his knuckles and cocking his head from side to side. I don't know who this is. I am frightened with nothing but the phone I hold in my hands and no will to dial 911. He lunges for me , knocking me back onto the bed and pins my hands down on either side of my head. He lets the blood from his nose drip down onto my face. He lifts his head and exhales deeply from his nose spraying blood all over the wall, bed and me. He puts his face close to mine again as if he's going to kiss me and then rub his nose up and down my cheek smearing the blood. "I fucked some girl with HIV cuz I wanted to die." He says then lets go of my wrists and walks to the bathroom. I should be scared but I don't believe him. I hear the shower turn on and I know I'm free to go.
I look in the mirror and see a puffy eyed, blood streaked, crazy haired girl who looks more like a drugged up prostitute than a 17 year old child. LEAVE! I tell myself in the mirror. Go home. Go anywhere. Ask Lisa to take you to dad's. I hear him crying in the shower. I can't leave him. I love him so much more than I love myself. I walk into the bathroom naked and get in. I clean him up, hold him as he cries. We have sex. But it feels like just that. The shift in our world didn't happen. I try to get him to look me in the eyes but he refuses, shaking his head no. "Just go Emily. I have nothing to give you, nothing to offer. You deserve it all." "No" I protest. "You're enough I swear!" "No Emily. It's not just you. I deserve better too. You're toxic for ME. You make me madder than I've ever been. I can't control myself. You need to go." Naked, wet, cold, I could not have picked a worse time for my world to crash in around me and need to save face at the same time. I get out, dry off, get dressed and walk the freezing 5am streets till I know my step dad will be at work. I go to my moms walk to my brother and sister's room and fall asleep. The closest thing to death and I peace I can feel.
Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts
Friday, May 24, 2013
Loyalty
It's been about two weeks and Jonathan and I still haven't talked. I've started going to parties with Sarah out of spite. Although I wish I could just ask for my promise ring back and kiss and make up. I still have my cell since he paid for it already and I'm back talking to all my old friends. During one of the parties Aaron calls to see how I'm doing and that throws me for a loop. At another party we run into Jonathan and although he doesn't talk to me he manages to keep any guy from talking to me so we leave early to go to the after party and after he follows us there I go home. At home the amount of time I am spending there is wearing my step dad's nerves thin. He has moved us into the townhome next door to ours and in the process left me without a room and no where to go when he starts drinking.
On one night in particular he is not drunk but in one of his moods nonetheless. He is picking my mom apart. Pinching her arms, stomach, legs telling her how flabby she is. (My mom has always been about 100lbs which still seems super skinny on her 5'2" frame) Finally I can't take it anymore. I walk into the kitchen and poke his shirtless gut, pinch his arm "Really? Really? You with your beer belly and rail thin arms are making fun of her? Give me break!" I've woken the beast. He's in my face screaming, poking me backwards. My mom starts screaming when he grabs me by the arm. I shove him off me. My brother comes running down the stairs begging me to stop, not to make him mad. My mom is trying to pull him away from me but he tries to shake her off and backhands her in the process. "Just go!" She is telling me, I'm making things worse. I go outside and our neighbors are already outside their houses, but he is relentless. He follows me out and shoves me from behind. I stumble forward and turn around. I've had enough I get back in his face. I can't hear my mom screaming anymore just white noise. All I can see is his red face and every horrible memory I have of him on top of me. Everything in me wants to hit him, but that's what he wants. With every step he takes forward the closer I get to the busy street behind me. I hear horns behind me and see my mom and all the neighbors on the phone. He cocks his hand back to punch me but suddenly he whips around and I don't know why. Then I see him, Jonathan. My step dad swings at him and Jonathan bobs out of the way. "Calm down!" He shouts and puts his hands up in surrender. My step-dad backs him into the street and swings again, Jonathan ducks. My step dad is getting gassed from missing. He turns and walks into the house but not without the last word "Next time I'll beat your ass you stupid bitch!" Jonathan comes up and asks me if I'm OK, I lie and say yes. He says OK and walks back to his apartment. I sit there on the curb under the street light. The sun has already set and I have no clue where to go. My mom comes out with a jacket, my cell phone and charger signs to me sorry and that she loves me through tears and walks back inside. I understand, he pays the bills and she has two small children to think about. I'm 6 months shy of 18, I need to fend for myself.
I walk around the block, use the restroom at Denny's and go back to my spot on the curb. I don't know what to do but I refuse to cry. I don't know anyone out here but Sarah and Jonathan. Sarah's mom doesn't want to "choose sides" she says and I don't dare ask Jonathan. I contemplate calling my dad....I dial the number, my sister answers. I haven't heard her voice in so long. I sit there just to hear her say hello. She finally hangs up and I give in to my tears. What makes me so undeserving of kindness, or love? To be a part of my own family? What makes me so disposable? I used to think that suicide would make them understand how much I am hurting, how lonely I feel. But I'm gone, I've been gone and no one has cared to find me. A set of parents, a set of step parents, 5 siblings but I'm an orphan. I have no place to call home. I sit out in the cold air of the desert we live in feeling like my fingers and nose are going to fall off. "Where are you going to sleep?" Jonathan texts me. "Don't worry about it" I text back. I sit there with a numb butt, freezing and wishing I wasn't so stubborn.
I hear someone walking towards me for like the umpteenth time and have given up raising my head to see who it is. Then I see them out of the corner of my eye, blue and white cortez and bright white socks. "Come on" I hear Jonathan say. I look up and he's holding out a pendleton jacket. I shake my head no. He lifts me up by my armpit. I follow him, huddled up inside his jacket, as he walks ahead of me. He stops abruptly and a big black Chevy Tahoe with blacked out windows pulls up in front of us. He opens the door for me, I shake my head no. I know who that car belongs to, it's not someone I want to be associated with, not a face I want to know. He places his hand on the small of my back and guides me in. I feel so out of place. More than I do at any of their gang's parties. Maybe because I'm sober. I keep quiet, more so not to draw attention to my makeup streaked face than from intimidation. We pull up to a Motel 6 that's two blocks away from my house. Jonathan hands ****** money and he gets out to get a room. Neither Jonathan nor I are old enough to purchase one on our own. As we walk up to the room we see a cuffed half naked girl being escorted to a police car and a bunch of men cat calling her from the story above. "I'm staying with you" Jonathan tells me. I act annoyed but I'm relieved.
*Originally written January 20th 2012
On one night in particular he is not drunk but in one of his moods nonetheless. He is picking my mom apart. Pinching her arms, stomach, legs telling her how flabby she is. (My mom has always been about 100lbs which still seems super skinny on her 5'2" frame) Finally I can't take it anymore. I walk into the kitchen and poke his shirtless gut, pinch his arm "Really? Really? You with your beer belly and rail thin arms are making fun of her? Give me break!" I've woken the beast. He's in my face screaming, poking me backwards. My mom starts screaming when he grabs me by the arm. I shove him off me. My brother comes running down the stairs begging me to stop, not to make him mad. My mom is trying to pull him away from me but he tries to shake her off and backhands her in the process. "Just go!" She is telling me, I'm making things worse. I go outside and our neighbors are already outside their houses, but he is relentless. He follows me out and shoves me from behind. I stumble forward and turn around. I've had enough I get back in his face. I can't hear my mom screaming anymore just white noise. All I can see is his red face and every horrible memory I have of him on top of me. Everything in me wants to hit him, but that's what he wants. With every step he takes forward the closer I get to the busy street behind me. I hear horns behind me and see my mom and all the neighbors on the phone. He cocks his hand back to punch me but suddenly he whips around and I don't know why. Then I see him, Jonathan. My step dad swings at him and Jonathan bobs out of the way. "Calm down!" He shouts and puts his hands up in surrender. My step-dad backs him into the street and swings again, Jonathan ducks. My step dad is getting gassed from missing. He turns and walks into the house but not without the last word "Next time I'll beat your ass you stupid bitch!" Jonathan comes up and asks me if I'm OK, I lie and say yes. He says OK and walks back to his apartment. I sit there on the curb under the street light. The sun has already set and I have no clue where to go. My mom comes out with a jacket, my cell phone and charger signs to me sorry and that she loves me through tears and walks back inside. I understand, he pays the bills and she has two small children to think about. I'm 6 months shy of 18, I need to fend for myself.
I walk around the block, use the restroom at Denny's and go back to my spot on the curb. I don't know what to do but I refuse to cry. I don't know anyone out here but Sarah and Jonathan. Sarah's mom doesn't want to "choose sides" she says and I don't dare ask Jonathan. I contemplate calling my dad....I dial the number, my sister answers. I haven't heard her voice in so long. I sit there just to hear her say hello. She finally hangs up and I give in to my tears. What makes me so undeserving of kindness, or love? To be a part of my own family? What makes me so disposable? I used to think that suicide would make them understand how much I am hurting, how lonely I feel. But I'm gone, I've been gone and no one has cared to find me. A set of parents, a set of step parents, 5 siblings but I'm an orphan. I have no place to call home. I sit out in the cold air of the desert we live in feeling like my fingers and nose are going to fall off. "Where are you going to sleep?" Jonathan texts me. "Don't worry about it" I text back. I sit there with a numb butt, freezing and wishing I wasn't so stubborn.
I hear someone walking towards me for like the umpteenth time and have given up raising my head to see who it is. Then I see them out of the corner of my eye, blue and white cortez and bright white socks. "Come on" I hear Jonathan say. I look up and he's holding out a pendleton jacket. I shake my head no. He lifts me up by my armpit. I follow him, huddled up inside his jacket, as he walks ahead of me. He stops abruptly and a big black Chevy Tahoe with blacked out windows pulls up in front of us. He opens the door for me, I shake my head no. I know who that car belongs to, it's not someone I want to be associated with, not a face I want to know. He places his hand on the small of my back and guides me in. I feel so out of place. More than I do at any of their gang's parties. Maybe because I'm sober. I keep quiet, more so not to draw attention to my makeup streaked face than from intimidation. We pull up to a Motel 6 that's two blocks away from my house. Jonathan hands ****** money and he gets out to get a room. Neither Jonathan nor I are old enough to purchase one on our own. As we walk up to the room we see a cuffed half naked girl being escorted to a police car and a bunch of men cat calling her from the story above. "I'm staying with you" Jonathan tells me. I act annoyed but I'm relieved.
*Originally written January 20th 2012
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