Fiending

      I've know it all my life, as far back as I can remember. I have an addictive personality. But I had never encountered anything that would be harmful to me if done on a consistent basis.. until Jonathan. He brought on a slew of addictions. At first it was the need for the adrenaline rush it gave me to be with him. The way he'd puff his chest out at anyone who looked at me. Then it was his constant attention and jealousy, I loved it! Then it was sex. For the better part of our 2 year relationship it was never less than 5 times a day. I considered it normal it was all I knew. Then there was that day in his garage. He was still fascinated by my innocence. I was naive to so many things he was keen to.
     "We're gonna pop your weed cherry today" He says to me as I walk into his garage. He's sitting on his weight bunch sorting through tiny leaves. Placing some on what looks like brown paper but smells like vanilla and tossing others into a trash bag. I watch him in amazement as he licks his fingers and rolls it all up with ease. Passing it through a flame a couple times before holding it out in front of his face to admire his work. "Damn I'm good!" He says with that smile that always reminds me that somewhere inside of him is a boy that is only 17. "First off" he says as he joins me on a tattered old couch in the corner of his garage. "Never let anyone else roll a blunt for you. People like to lace it with krystal, coke, you name it. Never, do you understand? Not unless I'm there and I say it's ok. Have you ever seen me ask a stranger for a cigarette?" I shake my head no "NO I haven't. Wanna know why? Cuz I'm not a dumb fuck. People dip their shit in coke and then I'm there thinking I'm just smoking a cigarette. If you wanna smoke weed ask me I'll teach you what to look for, I'll teach you how to break it up, how to cop the good kind, what you should pay for it. But don't ever smoke with people you don't know. You might react different and who's gonna look out for you? And none of this weed is a gateway drug shit. I don't do drugs I don't date girls that do drugs. They make you crazy, weed just relaxes you. This will calm your hyper ass down." He's lit up the blunt and started to smoke it during his lecture. He holds it out and nods his head toward me. I'm nervous and giddy at the same time so I lunge for it. "Don't do that. Don't look desperate, act like you've done it before" "But I haven't" I protest "I know but people can sense when other people are nervous don't do that. You'll kill the other person's buzz. Plus if you look desperate you'll look like a fiend and you're too good for that. And don't swallow the air like I do, you're not used to it you'll choke." But he's already handed it to me and I've already swallowed a big cloud. My eyes water because I desperately need to cough but I'm stubborn so I hold my breath. "Let it out!" He says. I cross  my arms and shake my head "Let it out!"  I do but I don't see a white cloud like his, it's just looks like dispersed fog. He starts laughing "My girl's a G" he says proudly to himself. We sit there smoking for what feels like an hour. He looks at me with glossy red half closed eyes. "Are you high yet?" He asks "I don't think so" I reply "Check this out" he say as he moves his hand in front of my face and I burst out laughing. It looks as if his hand is rippling. I cannot explain it any other way. "Tight isn't it? that's how you know you're gone. Look at this" then he places all ten fingers on my arms and drags them down. I feel them everywhere yet not at all. I can't stop laughing. I think if someone died in front of me right now I'd still be laughing. Then I realize I am saying my inner dialogue out loud. "Oh my God you're so blown, let's get you upstairs" It's the first time I have sex while intoxicated...it is my new addiction.

*Originally written January 6th 2012