I have a restless night. I dream about that summer day. My mom is telling me to go play outside. I sign to her, she is hard of hearing, that I am hot. She orders me to go. I leave our downstairs apartment and walk upstairs to my aunt's. I walk inside and my grandma is sitting on the couch. I try to make my way to my cousin's room with just a hello to her but she stops me. "Eme, it's too hot to be wearing this outside" she tells me in her Dominican accent. "I'm cold" I lie. "No you're not, you're just stubborn" she says as she tries to remove my clothes as I hold my hands to stiffly my side. She's getting frustrated so I let my arms float up as tears stream down my face. My back is to her as she removes my turtle neck. She gasps every time she touches a welt. "Mirnah!" She calls for my aunt. "Bien aqui! Mira la nina!" She tells her to come look at me. They ask me if my mom did this, I say yes. She's hit me before, they know this. But it has never been this bad. I spend the day playing with my cousin, nervous about what will happen when my dad comes home. I overhear them talking in my aunt's living room. I hear my dad's voice raise. I hear him walk out the door. Is he finally going to stand up to my mom? I want to know. I have to know. I run out the room, out the front door, down the steps and into our apartment. He's yelling at my mom. Saying he's had enough. Finally I think. She's crying begging for forgiveness, making empty promises. I stare at him, praying he won't change his mind. He says he's really done this time, he is leaving. I want to jump for joy. I want to leave even if it means leaving everything behind. I am so excited. I watch him pack his things in sheer anticipation. Then he looks at me, bends down to kiss me on the head, ruffles my hair and walks out the door. He's abandoned me.
I wake up in the morning and decide to go to Jonathan's. I can't shake the feeling that I don't belong to anyone. I don't want to be alone. I contemplate waking him up with breakfast. It isn't unusual that I show up unannounced. I walk across the street and see their garage open. This strikes me as odd since they usually sleep in. As soon as I let myself in I hear shuffling. "OOhh you're in deep shit homie!" I hear his best friend Dominic say. I walk up the stairs, the first things I notice is blood. It seems to be on everyone. Then I finally focus Andrew and their friend Jorge have blood on their clothes. Jonathan and Dominic are bleeding from their faces. Jonathan smiles a sheepish grin at me. I walk into the bathroom, where he is standing over the sink and close the door on the others. I can hear them snicker and gather at the door. "What the hell?" I demand. "I told you I had to get jumped in" "No you didn't" I argue "You said they gave you an ultimatum. You never said you had made up your mind" Was I one of the girls whose opinion didn't matter? Then it hit me. "Andrew and Jorge. Why aren't they bloody?" "They didn't get jumped in. They're a bunch of pussies. They're not down like me and Dom." "What? Then why would you" "I told you, Emily, I didn't have a choice." What is he saying? He's making no sense. I storm out of the bathroom. The boys immediately start stuttering. Andrew offers up some information "I told him not to do it. I told him it was stupid. They can't stop us from hanging out. "They let me know that they were offered a place in the gang not given an ultimatum. It was just a way for them to be legitimate. I can feel Jonathan's eyes glaring at them as they rat him out. I feel betrayed and lied to. I clean up the boys' wounds. I remove the blood from their clothes & the towels they used before throwing it all into the wash. I don't want Lisa to find out, she'll be devastated. We carry on through the day as if nothing has changed.
Lisa comes home and flips out at the sight of Jonathan's black eye and busted lip. She may work long hours but she isn't naive to what talk has been circulating her home. She cries as if she is about to bury a child, she talks about him as if he is already gone. She goes up to her room, comes out dolled up and leaves for drinks with friends. She is stressed. She cannot deal. I want to feel something other than sad. I sleep with Jonathan but it already feels different. I hide the tears in my eyes. "I wish this could last forever" I accidentally say out loud. "Then make it" He says playfully as he brushes my cheek with the back of his hand. A tear slips out. How can a moment feel like a memory when I'm still in it?
*Originally written January 5th 2012
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