Losing Ground, Losing Self

   If you have ever stood on an edge and tried to pull someone who is hanging off up onto the safety of the ledge then you understand what my relationship with Jonathan is becoming. The weight of him, his lifestyle, his nuances it's all pulling me down faster than I can get him on solid ground. The more I become addicted to his lifestyle the less stable the ledge I'm standing on is. This world I am now becoming a part of is so different than the one I am meant for that I start to feel a war raging within me. Although I read my bible everyday still I haven't been to church in months. I feel a sense of disappointment from Lisa and it's as if I've lost my only ally in my mission to help him turn is life around.
    It's a Sunday morning & Jonathan & I pretend to still be asleep when Lisa comes in to wake us for church. I am slightly embarrassed that she knew I spent the night without her permission. When she arrives home I am in the kitchen. As soon as I hear the door I realize it's too late to make a dash for the room. I have been avoiding her, I know she is going to want to talk. "Good morning" she says. "Morning" I reply staring at my shoes. Suddenly I am fully aware of how much I have changed. Navy blue and white Nike cortezes with think blue laces are on my feet and I'm wearing navy blue sweats, a white beater and a blue rag in my scrunched hair. Which is now curly thanks to the birth control I'm on. "Church was really good today, you should have gone. It would have been a good message for you and Jonathan to hear." She says to me ignoring my appearance. "Yeah.. sorry we were up too late, I guess" "I heard" she says looking at something else. There is no way she is as embarrassed as me. I swear I never heard her come home. "I have something for you!" She says suddenly and runs out to the car. "I don't know if you have a place to play this but I'm sure we'll figure something out if you don't." She says as she's walking back through the door. She hands me a box of cassettes. Hillsong, Jars of Clay.. it's all a bunch of the Christian groups I loved. All the Cd's I left behind. Tears well up in my throat. How can I be so careless about someone who thinks of me when I am not around? She is everything I could want in a parent and I keep failing her. "Thank you" I manage to choke out, "We'll go next Sunday, I promise." "I knew you were still there under that costume" She says half jokingly. I smile at her and start my way towards the stairs. "Emily," she calls me back. "It's harder to pull someone up than it is to drag them down." I shake my head in agreement. Don't I know it!

*Originally written January 8th 2012