Fish Out of Water

    I am sitting on Jonathan's bed all alone in his room. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears. My eyes are puffy from crying and I'm praying fervently on end. How is this my life?
(2 hours earlier)
    Jonathan texts me that he is "going on a mission. Don't come over here" He hasn't gone on one while being in ****** yet and I'm immediately sick to my stomach. I run to his house as fast as I can. I'm already crying by the time I get up to his room. "Get out" he tells me. His room is packed full of men, grown ass men, and there are guns strewn across his bed. I knew this was coming when he told me about one of the members getting shot & killed and another being put into a coma the night before. I just didn't think he would be part of it. He knows I missed my period, why would he go if we might possibly be expecting a child? "Even a baby won't change him, Emily, don't make the same mistakes as me." I hear Lisa say in my head. "You're not going" I tell him matter-of-factly. "Quiet" He says. Completely dismissing me and making a map on a piece of paper atop of his dresser. I make my way through the sea of shaved heads. I snatch the paper out from under his pen. "What the fuck!" He shouts. "Get your heina under control" says Jorge. "Shut the fuck up Jorge" I snap back. "Everyone get out" Jonathan says and they all leave the room. I'm about  to explain the reason for my outburst when the I'm thrown against the wall so hard the wind is knocked out of me. He punches the wall right by my head. I fall to my knees then crumple onto my side. The sudden loss of air has triggered an asthma attack. I'm gasping for air like a fish out of water. "Shuuuuttt uupp" Jonathan is bent over face in mine, teeth clenched and speaking in the ugliest voice I've ever heard. It sounds sub-human. "BREATHE" the strange voice shouts at me through Jonathan's clenched teeth. He lifts me up into the air by the shoulders and slams me into the wall again "Breathe!" Tears are streaming down my cheeks and everything is going dark. "DAMMIT!" He shouts and kicks the wall letting me fall back onto the floor. He walks away and what feels like eons later he comes back with my inhaler and shoots it's contents into my mouth.
     I wake up in a ball exactly where I last remember being with a pounding migraine. Jonathan is moving his dresser to cover the hole he kicked into his wall. A poster is already hanging over the hole made by his fist. "You need to get that shit under control." I look up at him and can tell he's high. I would have never snatched that paper if I knew he was. He's always a lit fuse when he's high or drunk."How long was I passed out for? "A couple minutes" Also explains his lack of concern at me passing out. He must be nervous about tonight. He tosses me his phone and starts to collect the guns off his bed with gloved hands. "Stay here tonight. If I don't come home before morning call ****** he's in my contacts under John. Tell him you're *****'s heina. He'll tell you what happened to me. He'll give you money to give my mom, but don't tell her who it's from say I left it behind or she won't take it. If you're pregnant than keep it for the baby." He remembers..how can he say all of this so non-chalantly. I am beginning to lose my breath again. "Take your inhaler" He snaps me out of my trance. He continues giving me instructions on where important papers are, who to call if Dominic doesn't come home, what to say if I get questioned. I silently sit there watching him clean all the guns and bullets free of prints and put them in a bag. I know I should see him differently but I don't. Nothing could make me love him less. He motions for me to come give him a hug as he gets up to leave but I shake my head no. "Ok be like that then" He says and bends down to kiss the top of my head. "I love you Cricket" He says as closes the door behind him. He calls me that because I never stop talking..but right now I don't have a thing to say.
     I get up and sit on his bed. I know I won't be able to sleep. I just sit there numb, staring at nothing. I don't know whether to be angry he fought with me before leaving, sad that I let him walk away without a proper hug and kiss, worried that he might get shot, worried that he might shoot someone. I don't know where to start or where to end. I try to watch a movie but it makes me cry. I can hear Andrew in his room, he's in ****** too now but he didn't go. Oh how I wish Jonathan was like that. But that's what I love about him isn't it? His constant need to protect his reputation or add to it in this case. I cry and pray, cry and pray until I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my eyes are puffy from crying. I cannot think of what to do so I grab my bible from his bookshelf and start to read.  Then I grab a pen and paper and start to write. I fold it up, lay back on the bed and talk to the baby that I know is in my womb about Jonathan and how we first met.
    I'm startled by Jonathan's phone going off and I answer it. "Did you pray?" He asks me? "What?" "Did you pray?" "Yes" "Told you man! This girl's got a direct line to God foo'" He tells his audience in the car. Well you better get on your knees and thank him." He sounds as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. "Why what happened?" "We went in two cars but the guns were in ours and the car in front ours got pulled over so we kept driving but something told me to toss the guns so we did then what the fuck do you think happened?" "You got pulled over?" "Yep but we didn't have anything so they let us go with just a fix it ticket for the tint. The only people that got in trouble were the foo's with warrants out and shit." "But you're on probation!?"  "I gave them Andrew's info." He explains. "I'll be home in a minute. Whooo! You better be naked!" "Omg shut up!" He laughs then whispers into the phone "Thanks babe" before hanging up I knew he didn't want to do it! When he walks through the bedroom door I hand him the note. He unfolds my fancy heart and reads it.."Who needs a bible when I got you, huh?" he says. As I hug him all is forgiven. He is mine and that is all that matters.
WHAT THE NOTE SAID
Call on him and he will be there.
Jehovah-raah: your caring Shepard. Call on him when you need direction.
Jehovah-jireh: your provider. Call on him when you need provisions.
Jehovah-shalom: your peace. Call on him when you are overwhelmed.
Jehovah-rophe: your healer. Call on him when you are sick or weak.
Jehovah-nissi: your refuge. Call on him when you are being attacked.
***Before anyone gets too concerned this is a memory of mine I have from a couple years back..no need to be alarmed***

*Originally written January 8th 2012