I sit awkwardly on the only bed in the room. He still hasn't said much of anything to me. "Thank you" I manage to get out at a little more than a whisper. "Mmmhmmm" He replies. He pulls up a chair from the table in the corner and sits in front of the TV.. he doesn't want to be here. "You can go if you want, I'll be fine." He ignores me. I look for a bible in the drawers and read the story of why they the bibles in hotels. He answers a knock at the door. It's Jorge and Dominic with pizza and a case of beer. I keep my head down because I know I look crazy with smudged makeup and tear streaks. They start telling Jonathan about a mission they are about to go do but he makes them step outside with him. I can no longer be trusted with such precious information. He comes back inside alone. "You can go with them if you want" I say. He looks at me as if I just said I grew a penis while he was outside. He grabs a beer and sits back in the chair. " I already did my work for today." He says, how much it hurts to not be a part of his world anymore, to be an outsider. "Are they coming back?" I ask, eyeing the case and wondering what one person would need with 24 beers. "Why? You want one of 'em to fuck you or something?" Ouch, it's like a spear through my heart how he carries on with me. He polishes off 6 beers in a row and I try to get him to take a bite of pizza but he won't. His mom shows up with some Olive Garden bread sticks and Alfredo dipping sauce. My favorite. She offers to take some of the beers home but he won't let her. She offers to reimburse him and take us both to her house but he says no and tells her harshly to leave. She extends just me the offer but I shake my head no. I've missed him so, I don't want to leave now. Even if he's already belligerently drunk. He turns on some porn, with his back to the TV, sitting backwards in the chair, he just stares at me. He knows how much I hate it. I keep reading the bible in my hands. "Are you a fucking dyke?" He asks me with his head cocked to the side. "What?" I say confused. "Well are you?" "No." "Then why did you leave me?" "Johnny I didn't leave you, you cou..." "Don't call me Johnny I don't know your ass!" This is pointless, I continue reading and he turns to watch the naked girls on the screen.
After awhile and a couple more beers later, he walks over to me. He grabs me chin with one hand and holds the top of my head still with the other. He points my face to the TV. "Are you a dyke?" He asks me again except it sounds more like an accusation. "NO!" I say without being able to open my jaw to speak. He keeps his grip on my head and jerks it up towards his face. "Then why have you been calling her?" I must look confused because he gets mad and explains. "MONAE! I saw your phone bill. We get into a small argument and you go running back into her arms. Conditional! Your love is CONDITIONAL!" He's shaking my head with every syllable but his grip is so tight I'm scared to resist. "I do love you Johnny, I do." "I said I don't know your ass!" He screams at me while he throws me onto the bed. Much harder than he expected because he looks surprised when I bounce and hit my head on the wall. "I should leave" I say as I get up. He grabs my arm and pulls me toward him. "No, I didn't rent this motel room to jack off to porn." He kisses me, hard, meaningless and full of hate. I'm scared so I kiss him back. He jerks his head back and spits on the ground. "I knew it you're a fucking slut! Virgin my ass, you're probably full of n****r dick . Aren't you! You just can't say no to anybody" "No Jonathan. I just don't know what you want from me. I can't do anything right. I kissed you because I love you." It's the truth but it wasn't my reason. "My love isn't conditional Jonathan, look how you treat me and I've never turned my back on you."
We both look down at the grip he still has on my arm. When he looks back up at me the rage is back. He shakes me "Look at what you've made me do! YOU! You did this to me, you're so GODDAMN stubborn! I know what's right for you but you can never listen!" I see him cock his hand back and then there's a pause. When his hand comes back into reach the hotel phone receiver is in it. He swing at me with it and I try to get away but land on the bed. "Fucking bitch! Just listen to me!" "What am I supposed to do?" "SSHHUUTT UUPP!" The phone comes back down on my arms that are over my face. This isn't him, I have to fight, the man I love isn't in this room. I thrust my palm into his nose. He winces and drops the phone. I grab it. He grabs the Alfredo sauce and throws it my head but it hits the wall splattering me and the bed. "What the fuck is wrong now? You think you're a bad bitch?" His voice, the look in his eyes, the blood dripping down his face, the menacing way he's cracking his knuckles and cocking his head from side to side. I don't know who this is. I am frightened with nothing but the phone I hold in my hands and no will to dial 911. He lunges for me , knocking me back onto the bed and pins my hands down on either side of my head. He lets the blood from his nose drip down onto my face. He lifts his head and exhales deeply from his nose spraying blood all over the wall, bed and me. He puts his face close to mine again as if he's going to kiss me and then rub his nose up and down my cheek smearing the blood. "I fucked some girl with HIV cuz I wanted to die." He says then lets go of my wrists and walks to the bathroom. I should be scared but I don't believe him. I hear the shower turn on and I know I'm free to go.
I look in the mirror and see a puffy eyed, blood streaked, crazy haired girl who looks more like a drugged up prostitute than a 17 year old child. LEAVE! I tell myself in the mirror. Go home. Go anywhere. Ask Lisa to take you to dad's. I hear him crying in the shower. I can't leave him. I love him so much more than I love myself. I walk into the bathroom naked and get in. I clean him up, hold him as he cries. We have sex. But it feels like just that. The shift in our world didn't happen. I try to get him to look me in the eyes but he refuses, shaking his head no. "Just go Emily. I have nothing to give you, nothing to offer. You deserve it all." "No" I protest. "You're enough I swear!" "No Emily. It's not just you. I deserve better too. You're toxic for ME. You make me madder than I've ever been. I can't control myself. You need to go." Naked, wet, cold, I could not have picked a worse time for my world to crash in around me and need to save face at the same time. I get out, dry off, get dressed and walk the freezing 5am streets till I know my step dad will be at work. I go to my moms walk to my brother and sister's room and fall asleep. The closest thing to death and I peace I can feel.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Loyalty
It's been about two weeks and Jonathan and I still haven't talked. I've started going to parties with Sarah out of spite. Although I wish I could just ask for my promise ring back and kiss and make up. I still have my cell since he paid for it already and I'm back talking to all my old friends. During one of the parties Aaron calls to see how I'm doing and that throws me for a loop. At another party we run into Jonathan and although he doesn't talk to me he manages to keep any guy from talking to me so we leave early to go to the after party and after he follows us there I go home. At home the amount of time I am spending there is wearing my step dad's nerves thin. He has moved us into the townhome next door to ours and in the process left me without a room and no where to go when he starts drinking.
On one night in particular he is not drunk but in one of his moods nonetheless. He is picking my mom apart. Pinching her arms, stomach, legs telling her how flabby she is. (My mom has always been about 100lbs which still seems super skinny on her 5'2" frame) Finally I can't take it anymore. I walk into the kitchen and poke his shirtless gut, pinch his arm "Really? Really? You with your beer belly and rail thin arms are making fun of her? Give me break!" I've woken the beast. He's in my face screaming, poking me backwards. My mom starts screaming when he grabs me by the arm. I shove him off me. My brother comes running down the stairs begging me to stop, not to make him mad. My mom is trying to pull him away from me but he tries to shake her off and backhands her in the process. "Just go!" She is telling me, I'm making things worse. I go outside and our neighbors are already outside their houses, but he is relentless. He follows me out and shoves me from behind. I stumble forward and turn around. I've had enough I get back in his face. I can't hear my mom screaming anymore just white noise. All I can see is his red face and every horrible memory I have of him on top of me. Everything in me wants to hit him, but that's what he wants. With every step he takes forward the closer I get to the busy street behind me. I hear horns behind me and see my mom and all the neighbors on the phone. He cocks his hand back to punch me but suddenly he whips around and I don't know why. Then I see him, Jonathan. My step dad swings at him and Jonathan bobs out of the way. "Calm down!" He shouts and puts his hands up in surrender. My step-dad backs him into the street and swings again, Jonathan ducks. My step dad is getting gassed from missing. He turns and walks into the house but not without the last word "Next time I'll beat your ass you stupid bitch!" Jonathan comes up and asks me if I'm OK, I lie and say yes. He says OK and walks back to his apartment. I sit there on the curb under the street light. The sun has already set and I have no clue where to go. My mom comes out with a jacket, my cell phone and charger signs to me sorry and that she loves me through tears and walks back inside. I understand, he pays the bills and she has two small children to think about. I'm 6 months shy of 18, I need to fend for myself.
I walk around the block, use the restroom at Denny's and go back to my spot on the curb. I don't know what to do but I refuse to cry. I don't know anyone out here but Sarah and Jonathan. Sarah's mom doesn't want to "choose sides" she says and I don't dare ask Jonathan. I contemplate calling my dad....I dial the number, my sister answers. I haven't heard her voice in so long. I sit there just to hear her say hello. She finally hangs up and I give in to my tears. What makes me so undeserving of kindness, or love? To be a part of my own family? What makes me so disposable? I used to think that suicide would make them understand how much I am hurting, how lonely I feel. But I'm gone, I've been gone and no one has cared to find me. A set of parents, a set of step parents, 5 siblings but I'm an orphan. I have no place to call home. I sit out in the cold air of the desert we live in feeling like my fingers and nose are going to fall off. "Where are you going to sleep?" Jonathan texts me. "Don't worry about it" I text back. I sit there with a numb butt, freezing and wishing I wasn't so stubborn.
I hear someone walking towards me for like the umpteenth time and have given up raising my head to see who it is. Then I see them out of the corner of my eye, blue and white cortez and bright white socks. "Come on" I hear Jonathan say. I look up and he's holding out a pendleton jacket. I shake my head no. He lifts me up by my armpit. I follow him, huddled up inside his jacket, as he walks ahead of me. He stops abruptly and a big black Chevy Tahoe with blacked out windows pulls up in front of us. He opens the door for me, I shake my head no. I know who that car belongs to, it's not someone I want to be associated with, not a face I want to know. He places his hand on the small of my back and guides me in. I feel so out of place. More than I do at any of their gang's parties. Maybe because I'm sober. I keep quiet, more so not to draw attention to my makeup streaked face than from intimidation. We pull up to a Motel 6 that's two blocks away from my house. Jonathan hands ****** money and he gets out to get a room. Neither Jonathan nor I are old enough to purchase one on our own. As we walk up to the room we see a cuffed half naked girl being escorted to a police car and a bunch of men cat calling her from the story above. "I'm staying with you" Jonathan tells me. I act annoyed but I'm relieved.
*Originally written January 20th 2012
On one night in particular he is not drunk but in one of his moods nonetheless. He is picking my mom apart. Pinching her arms, stomach, legs telling her how flabby she is. (My mom has always been about 100lbs which still seems super skinny on her 5'2" frame) Finally I can't take it anymore. I walk into the kitchen and poke his shirtless gut, pinch his arm "Really? Really? You with your beer belly and rail thin arms are making fun of her? Give me break!" I've woken the beast. He's in my face screaming, poking me backwards. My mom starts screaming when he grabs me by the arm. I shove him off me. My brother comes running down the stairs begging me to stop, not to make him mad. My mom is trying to pull him away from me but he tries to shake her off and backhands her in the process. "Just go!" She is telling me, I'm making things worse. I go outside and our neighbors are already outside their houses, but he is relentless. He follows me out and shoves me from behind. I stumble forward and turn around. I've had enough I get back in his face. I can't hear my mom screaming anymore just white noise. All I can see is his red face and every horrible memory I have of him on top of me. Everything in me wants to hit him, but that's what he wants. With every step he takes forward the closer I get to the busy street behind me. I hear horns behind me and see my mom and all the neighbors on the phone. He cocks his hand back to punch me but suddenly he whips around and I don't know why. Then I see him, Jonathan. My step dad swings at him and Jonathan bobs out of the way. "Calm down!" He shouts and puts his hands up in surrender. My step-dad backs him into the street and swings again, Jonathan ducks. My step dad is getting gassed from missing. He turns and walks into the house but not without the last word "Next time I'll beat your ass you stupid bitch!" Jonathan comes up and asks me if I'm OK, I lie and say yes. He says OK and walks back to his apartment. I sit there on the curb under the street light. The sun has already set and I have no clue where to go. My mom comes out with a jacket, my cell phone and charger signs to me sorry and that she loves me through tears and walks back inside. I understand, he pays the bills and she has two small children to think about. I'm 6 months shy of 18, I need to fend for myself.
I walk around the block, use the restroom at Denny's and go back to my spot on the curb. I don't know what to do but I refuse to cry. I don't know anyone out here but Sarah and Jonathan. Sarah's mom doesn't want to "choose sides" she says and I don't dare ask Jonathan. I contemplate calling my dad....I dial the number, my sister answers. I haven't heard her voice in so long. I sit there just to hear her say hello. She finally hangs up and I give in to my tears. What makes me so undeserving of kindness, or love? To be a part of my own family? What makes me so disposable? I used to think that suicide would make them understand how much I am hurting, how lonely I feel. But I'm gone, I've been gone and no one has cared to find me. A set of parents, a set of step parents, 5 siblings but I'm an orphan. I have no place to call home. I sit out in the cold air of the desert we live in feeling like my fingers and nose are going to fall off. "Where are you going to sleep?" Jonathan texts me. "Don't worry about it" I text back. I sit there with a numb butt, freezing and wishing I wasn't so stubborn.
I hear someone walking towards me for like the umpteenth time and have given up raising my head to see who it is. Then I see them out of the corner of my eye, blue and white cortez and bright white socks. "Come on" I hear Jonathan say. I look up and he's holding out a pendleton jacket. I shake my head no. He lifts me up by my armpit. I follow him, huddled up inside his jacket, as he walks ahead of me. He stops abruptly and a big black Chevy Tahoe with blacked out windows pulls up in front of us. He opens the door for me, I shake my head no. I know who that car belongs to, it's not someone I want to be associated with, not a face I want to know. He places his hand on the small of my back and guides me in. I feel so out of place. More than I do at any of their gang's parties. Maybe because I'm sober. I keep quiet, more so not to draw attention to my makeup streaked face than from intimidation. We pull up to a Motel 6 that's two blocks away from my house. Jonathan hands ****** money and he gets out to get a room. Neither Jonathan nor I are old enough to purchase one on our own. As we walk up to the room we see a cuffed half naked girl being escorted to a police car and a bunch of men cat calling her from the story above. "I'm staying with you" Jonathan tells me. I act annoyed but I'm relieved.
*Originally written January 20th 2012
Trust Issues
I awake in the morning to a note from Jonathan. He would be back in a couple hours "p.s Happy Valentines Day Cricket!!". I don't know what else to do but go home and get my gifts for him together. I wait two hours.. three...four. I'm becoming impatient. What kind of valentines day is this if I can't even spend it with the person I love? He hasn't responded to any of the texts I've sent from my mom's phone. Finally I cave and call him. "I'll be home soon OK? Bye." And he hangs up. What the hell! Wherever he was sounded busy. I'm starting to become irritated. I call him back "Where are you!?" I demand "Tell her I said to kick back" a girl's voice says, I'm pretty sure it belongs to Dominic's girlfriend. "Kick back woman!!" He says laughing and hangs up. I'm so mad I start to cry. Was I really that naive? Did I really think after all I had seen I was somehow the exception to the rule? That even though all his friends had multiple girls my man was going to remain faithful? I text him that it's over. He texts me back that I am ruining the surprise and to relax. Call me and say you love me I text him. He calls me but it's Dom's girlfriend "Relax Emily I have your back OK?" and she hangs up. I feel a little less queasy but not entirely so. Four more hours pass by. I am done. The whole day is gone, what could possibly take soo long? I text him not to bother with anything at all. He texts me to come over. I ignore it. He shows up at my door, I ignore it and tell my mom and step dad not to answer the door. Then I hear a loud bang. Even my hard of hearing mom and step-dad hear it, my mom yells for me to come downstairs. The front door is open and she's pointing outside. In our front yard is a cell phone box split open and half it's contents spilled out onto the lawn. I turn to leave it but see my mom start walking towards it so I go to pick it up instead. As I bend to pick up the pink phone Jonathan comes out from the side of our townhouse "Happy now bitch?" he says and walks towards his house. The next day we talk for hours, he has no explanation for where he was. All he can come up with is that he was at the mall with Dom and his girlfriend so they could help pick out a phone. Even if I include the promise ring and gift certificate he got me there's no reason why it took more than eight hours. I just couldn't accept that. There were too many holes in his story. He becomes angry that I am even questioning him and grabs me by my throat and throws me against the wall. "Why can't you love me?" he asks through tears, I can't get words around his grip. "Why? What have I done to you?" I claw at his hand. He lets go and I gasp for air. "I'm sorry. Just go." He collapses on his bed next to the Cowboys jacket and wallet I got him and I can see the gift bag and his shoulders shake from his sobs. I sit on his bed and stroke his head. He reaches up to grab my hand, I think he is going to hold it but he squeezes it, hard. He turns his head toward me "Get the fuck out or I'll have my mom do it for you." He says through gritted teeth. "You don't have to tell me twice." I say, holding back tears as I walk away.
*Originally written January 12th 2012
*Originally written January 12th 2012
**Stuck in My Head**
It's the most vivid memory I have. It's before my dad left us. I see my bed that looks like a picket fence, my room, our apartment, the screen door with a bright shining day on the other side of it. It's like I close my eyes and I am there. I am small and I still believe the songs on the radio are sung by little elves that live inside of it. I cannot remember what I did wrong but all my memories of her start this way. I am laying on my stomach on my bed. My legs are tied together at the ankles and she is crying and tying my hands behind my back. I know there is no use but I try to get away and end up falling onto the floor. She pushes me into my open closet and kicks me in the stomach. I lay there on the floor crying and imagine myself somewhere else. I don't know how many times she's done this to me but I do know I knew I would be let out before my dad got home. She lets me out and unties me. My dad comes home and sees my wrists and they start fighting. She is ironing a red polka dot dress of mine for meeting and then tries to hit my dad with the iron. Aiming first at his head and then between his legs. He dodges each one and holds her by her wrists. She screams for help as if he's beating her. He takes the iron out of hands and places it back on the board. She stays on the couch holding her wrists as if they are broken and my dad grabs me and my sister and walks out the door, leaving her in her misery. We go to my aunt's and my dad has to go back downstairs because she's called the police like she always does. Nothing out of the ordinary just what I've come to expect from my poor excuse of a mother....
*Originally written January 12th 2012
*Originally written January 12th 2012
**Mind Games**
I hate small spaces and I hate being restrained. I REALLY REALLY hate them. When I was in high school one of my best guy friends used to pin me against the wall, feet on top of mine, elbows pinning my arms and hands enclosing my face and his. "You're in a box Em's, you're in a box and you can't get out." I would hyperventilate and panic until he dies laughing and I would laugh it off but really I completely hated it. I hated feeling stuck, forced, trapped but ironically where would I go when I couldn't deal with reality? Under a bed, in a small closet, under my blankets. Hiding.
I'm probably around 7. I'm at my dad's new condo. And SHE's here. My dad's new girlfriend. He is cooking breakfast and going on and on about how much she just LOOOOVVES children and how she is going to be a child psycologist yada yada yada. I can barely pay attention to anything besides their random makeout sessions. "Why does she have to be here?" I ask pushing my eggs around. "Emily that's rude." "It's rude to makeout in front of people's kids." I smartly reply. "Go to your room" It's not a room it's a loft I think but I know I'm pushing it. "Tell me why you can't just spend time with us by yourself and see her when we're not here." I'm whining. "Go to your room!" he barks at me. "Why? I just asked you a question." I know I am right. "Because I said so" "Because is not an answer" I tell him, he says that to me all the time. "Now!" I stomp up the stairs. I look down to them eating breakfast together and my sister making them laugh. "Traitor" I say under my breath. Suddenly I can't breathe, I want to go home. I want to know what to expect, I hate it here I don't understand it. I crawl into a space in wall, a place to store cables I think. I can only fit if I curl up into a ball. I sit in there and cry and cry. I start to fall asleep and then I hear them on the other side calling for me, I find a latch on the inside and lock it. My dad tells me to come out so we can go to church. Church? What? We're Jehovah's Witnesses, what is he talking about. "NOOO" I scream He pounds on the door and screams at me to come out now. I hear his girlfriend talking and a shuffling outside of the door. I hear her outside the door. It's low to the ground and I can picture her on the other side stooped "down to my level" like a "good psychologist". "Emily I understand this is all new to you and it's probably too much to handle at once but you're really hurting your daddy's feelings." "what about mine?" "Emily it isn't nice to always think of yourself, your dad does a lot for you girls." "He's never around, only my mom is." "Well from what I understand your mom is not the best mom." Child psychologist my ass! "You shouldn't talk bad about people's parents it makes them HATE you." "Are you in the closet because that's where your mom would put you?" How could he tell her about that? That's not her business. For whatever reason I feel the need to protect my mom from this..this outsider, this intruder into our world. I get myself out. "See, there you go" SHE says. "I want to go home" "Emily your dad..." "My dad is dead" I say and this time it's true... to me.
*Originally written January 12th 2012
I'm probably around 7. I'm at my dad's new condo. And SHE's here. My dad's new girlfriend. He is cooking breakfast and going on and on about how much she just LOOOOVVES children and how she is going to be a child psycologist yada yada yada. I can barely pay attention to anything besides their random makeout sessions. "Why does she have to be here?" I ask pushing my eggs around. "Emily that's rude." "It's rude to makeout in front of people's kids." I smartly reply. "Go to your room" It's not a room it's a loft I think but I know I'm pushing it. "Tell me why you can't just spend time with us by yourself and see her when we're not here." I'm whining. "Go to your room!" he barks at me. "Why? I just asked you a question." I know I am right. "Because I said so" "Because is not an answer" I tell him, he says that to me all the time. "Now!" I stomp up the stairs. I look down to them eating breakfast together and my sister making them laugh. "Traitor" I say under my breath. Suddenly I can't breathe, I want to go home. I want to know what to expect, I hate it here I don't understand it. I crawl into a space in wall, a place to store cables I think. I can only fit if I curl up into a ball. I sit in there and cry and cry. I start to fall asleep and then I hear them on the other side calling for me, I find a latch on the inside and lock it. My dad tells me to come out so we can go to church. Church? What? We're Jehovah's Witnesses, what is he talking about. "NOOO" I scream He pounds on the door and screams at me to come out now. I hear his girlfriend talking and a shuffling outside of the door. I hear her outside the door. It's low to the ground and I can picture her on the other side stooped "down to my level" like a "good psychologist". "Emily I understand this is all new to you and it's probably too much to handle at once but you're really hurting your daddy's feelings." "what about mine?" "Emily it isn't nice to always think of yourself, your dad does a lot for you girls." "He's never around, only my mom is." "Well from what I understand your mom is not the best mom." Child psychologist my ass! "You shouldn't talk bad about people's parents it makes them HATE you." "Are you in the closet because that's where your mom would put you?" How could he tell her about that? That's not her business. For whatever reason I feel the need to protect my mom from this..this outsider, this intruder into our world. I get myself out. "See, there you go" SHE says. "I want to go home" "Emily your dad..." "My dad is dead" I say and this time it's true... to me.
*Originally written January 12th 2012
Daddy Issues
Time passes by and a new year comes. I don't exactly remember how we spent it but it's probably better that I don't. Jonathan and I's relationship is a roller coaster to say the least. There are the occasions of a love I never knew existed outside of movies and romance novels.. like the time we went to an Ashanti concert at the fair grounds and it got boring so he lifted me up (as if carrying me over the threshold) and screamed "This woman just agreed to marry me!" All the way to the car, stopping only to shake the hands of old men and receive pats on the back. To the lows of the lows where we fight and argue about the things he has to do to "earn a name" for himself. The more he does, the quicker he moves up in "rank", the heavier the load for me to carry when he goes out. He hasn't hit me since that first day, just screams and pushes and breaks things around me. It isn't enough to make me leave, but then again I don't think anything would have been because one outburst meant 2 weeks of pristine behavior and "making it up to me". One night in hell meant two weeks in sheer bliss and that was a price I was willing to pay for love of this magnitude. The only thing wedging itself between us, aside from his gang, was my childhood. Those memories lurking in the dark crevices of my mind, throwing me back into my past and stealing moments of my present.
He's getting ready to leave to go on a mission. A big one, one that I can't even know about for the risk of me being questioned. Someone stole their meth and guns out of a safe, someone within their circle...that is all I've been able to piece together on my own. He walks over to give me a kiss on the cheek and I turn away.. "Just go, just leave." "Why do you do this every time Emily? Do you know the guilt I feel walking out that door knowing it may be the last time you see me and I didn't even kiss you goodbye? It trips me up, throws me off my game, I could get killed like that." I feel that wall going up.. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care I chant in my head. I sit there staring blankly at him. "Fine I'm not going, is that what you want?" He throws down his things. I stare at him, deliberately erasing all emotion from my face. But in my mind...in my mind I'm telling him what's wrong. "I'm scared" I say in my head. "I'm scared that this goodbye might be my last. I'm scared I'm loving someone who is only going to abandon me." In my head the conversation goes like this "But I'm not leaving you babe" "But it feels like you are, it feels like you are choosing a different life than one with me in it. I feel like I should stop caring before it's too late."
I am about 6 and me and my little sister are staring out the window. In my memory it is raining but I'm pretty sure I was just crying. We have been sitting here for quite some time. Before the sun went down. Waiting..waiting for him to come like he promised. My dad. It's been awhile since he's shown up for visits and when he does he hands us a new toy and leaves again. But we wait anyway. My sister can't be much older than 2. She starts to cry for my dad. I hate him. I hate him for leaving me here to take care of a baby. I hate having ice cream for breakfast, spam for lunch and shake and bake for dinner everyday. I hate having to take my sister to my aunt's to get her some milk. I hate that weird girl that dresses like a boy who is always in my mom's room as they pretend that I don't understand what's going on. I hate that she let's her friends hit me too. I hate him for not saving us, for only saving himself. I wipe the tears from my eyes. "Stop crying Nikki! He's not coming, he's NEVER coming! He doesn't want you! He never loved you! He chose a different life!" I scream in her face. Telling her what my mom tells me when I ask about my dad. I feel bad for it. "Just pretend you don't have a dad sissy" I say to her nicely. That's so hard to do. Our dad was our world, he was the object of my mom's hatred when he got home, instead of us. He was also our distraction. No matter what he was always happy. And now he was gone and we were the ones that paid, but did he care? No. "I don't have a dad" I told myself. In fact that was the answer I gave for years after.."my dad is dead" because it was better. It was better than admitting to myself that he chose a different life without me in it. It was just easier not to care at all than to face the idea that I just wasn't it worth it.
I am on Jonathan's bed again. He is just laying there staring at me . "I would love to see where you go when you disappear like that. What movie plays inside your head, like you said." He says "You remind me of my dad" is all I say. "But you don't like your dad" he says, clearly waiting for an explanation. "I know" I shrug it off and sit up. He doesn't move, he looks sad. "what's wrong?" I ask. "I wish you'd let me in, I wish could see the things that hurt you so bad." "You'd think they were stupid" He doesn't deny it. "It just scares me sometimes, sometimes I think you're not coming back." And leave you before you leave me, I think to myself.
"Don't you need to leave?" I ask "No, I'll just get checked tomorrow but I'm ******'s favorite so he'll choose people that can't fight" He falls asleep and I lay there thinking. There's that feeling again. I should be feeling proud, wanted, his choice. Instead I give into that nagging that this isn't my forever as much as I try to force it. The window is open and it's a full moon. I try and memorize the room, the layout, the posters, his face as he sleeps, the way he wraps one arm around my waist and keeps the other tucked under my head. I know one day these will be all I have of him, memories. I hold him tighter and fall asleep. He's gone in the morning.
*Originally written January 12th 2012
He's getting ready to leave to go on a mission. A big one, one that I can't even know about for the risk of me being questioned. Someone stole their meth and guns out of a safe, someone within their circle...that is all I've been able to piece together on my own. He walks over to give me a kiss on the cheek and I turn away.. "Just go, just leave." "Why do you do this every time Emily? Do you know the guilt I feel walking out that door knowing it may be the last time you see me and I didn't even kiss you goodbye? It trips me up, throws me off my game, I could get killed like that." I feel that wall going up.. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care I chant in my head. I sit there staring blankly at him. "Fine I'm not going, is that what you want?" He throws down his things. I stare at him, deliberately erasing all emotion from my face. But in my mind...in my mind I'm telling him what's wrong. "I'm scared" I say in my head. "I'm scared that this goodbye might be my last. I'm scared I'm loving someone who is only going to abandon me." In my head the conversation goes like this "But I'm not leaving you babe" "But it feels like you are, it feels like you are choosing a different life than one with me in it. I feel like I should stop caring before it's too late."
I am about 6 and me and my little sister are staring out the window. In my memory it is raining but I'm pretty sure I was just crying. We have been sitting here for quite some time. Before the sun went down. Waiting..waiting for him to come like he promised. My dad. It's been awhile since he's shown up for visits and when he does he hands us a new toy and leaves again. But we wait anyway. My sister can't be much older than 2. She starts to cry for my dad. I hate him. I hate him for leaving me here to take care of a baby. I hate having ice cream for breakfast, spam for lunch and shake and bake for dinner everyday. I hate having to take my sister to my aunt's to get her some milk. I hate that weird girl that dresses like a boy who is always in my mom's room as they pretend that I don't understand what's going on. I hate that she let's her friends hit me too. I hate him for not saving us, for only saving himself. I wipe the tears from my eyes. "Stop crying Nikki! He's not coming, he's NEVER coming! He doesn't want you! He never loved you! He chose a different life!" I scream in her face. Telling her what my mom tells me when I ask about my dad. I feel bad for it. "Just pretend you don't have a dad sissy" I say to her nicely. That's so hard to do. Our dad was our world, he was the object of my mom's hatred when he got home, instead of us. He was also our distraction. No matter what he was always happy. And now he was gone and we were the ones that paid, but did he care? No. "I don't have a dad" I told myself. In fact that was the answer I gave for years after.."my dad is dead" because it was better. It was better than admitting to myself that he chose a different life without me in it. It was just easier not to care at all than to face the idea that I just wasn't it worth it.
I am on Jonathan's bed again. He is just laying there staring at me . "I would love to see where you go when you disappear like that. What movie plays inside your head, like you said." He says "You remind me of my dad" is all I say. "But you don't like your dad" he says, clearly waiting for an explanation. "I know" I shrug it off and sit up. He doesn't move, he looks sad. "what's wrong?" I ask. "I wish you'd let me in, I wish could see the things that hurt you so bad." "You'd think they were stupid" He doesn't deny it. "It just scares me sometimes, sometimes I think you're not coming back." And leave you before you leave me, I think to myself.
"Don't you need to leave?" I ask "No, I'll just get checked tomorrow but I'm ******'s favorite so he'll choose people that can't fight" He falls asleep and I lay there thinking. There's that feeling again. I should be feeling proud, wanted, his choice. Instead I give into that nagging that this isn't my forever as much as I try to force it. The window is open and it's a full moon. I try and memorize the room, the layout, the posters, his face as he sleeps, the way he wraps one arm around my waist and keeps the other tucked under my head. I know one day these will be all I have of him, memories. I hold him tighter and fall asleep. He's gone in the morning.
*Originally written January 12th 2012
**Reoccurring Characters**
Let it go
Let it be
I no longer want the "love"
you say is meant for me
What we had
Never was
You say it ended
ALL because of me
You say it'll take forever for me
to name the stars
and that's just what I'm hoping for
A forever without you
Because you're untrue
and you're a fake
You seem to think
my heart is still your to take
But you are wrong
Oh so wrong
because your time has come and gone
No more chances
No last time
Your heart was never mine
it wasn't even whole
and every mask you wore
had a thousand holes
and I could see into the core
of the person you truly were
So let me tell you now
he isn't my type at all
This is the last chapter
of the book I should've NEVER
tried to rewrite
and though you say
you're not giving up without a fight
I know the ending I'm writing
and you'll understand it all
when the ink dries...
THE END
I wish that were true. I wish chapters in my life belonged to a book I could close and leave up on a shelf. But just when I think I've successfully written you out of the script, there you are with some stupid plot twist that is trying to teach me a lesson I was convinced I had previously mastered. How I wish I understood what you gained every time you watch me break. What keeps you so enticed that you keep coming back for more? You're more than a skeleton in my closet you're a ghost I wish would just effing die already!!! Or at least go find some other poor soul to haunt....
It's your party, I'll kick your @$$ if I want to!
At the age of 17 I had only had one experience of being drunk and it was horrible but I had encountered alcohol multiple times with no problem and being high was like being me without regret. I had never, though, experienced both at the same time. And in hindsight a party was probably not the best place to test these waters, but that was how it happened.
I woke up in the late afternoon, while watching TV in my mom's living room there was a knock at the door. It was Sarah's mom and she was standing there wide eyes, ear to ear grin holding a white Styrofoam cup. "Drink this" she says shoving it in my face. I grab it and eye the electric yellow liquid slush in the cup skeptically. "It's a margarita, taste it tell me if I did a good job" I drink some "it's too tart, not enough alcohol either" She says OK, spins around on the ball of her foot and leaves, her long hair trailing behind her. I finish the drink. She comes back at least 5 more times. More ice, less ice, more mix, less mix, more alcohol, less alcohol. Each time I am left with a glass and I finish it. Once I tell her it's fine she invites me to a party at her house for Sarah's daughter later in the evening, I say OK. I head over to Jonathan's and they are already smoking. I tell him about the party and he tells me Sarah came over and invited him already and jokes he was gonna go without me. We smoke and get ready.
Once we get there I can tell Sarah doesn't really want me there but I don't care. Even though it's a party for a one year old there is no one under the age of 17 and everyone is drunk, smoking or upstairs doing something far worse. I stay in the kitchen helping her crazy mom and listening to her stories. Every drink she makes I try and Jonathan knows I'm drunk when I grab his beer out of his hand and chug it. He tells me to sit down but I run away laughing. This guy asks me to dance and even though no else is I start to in the middle of the room. Jonathan shakes his head at me and goes outside to smoke. I see Sarah follow him. "Hell No!" Is what goes through my head. I walk out to Sarah standing dangerously close to him and him saying "I already got a girl." "But she doesn't know what she has." says Sarah coyly. I clear my throat and Sarah jumps but doesn't move an inch. Jonathan grabs me and purposely kisses me extra long simultaneously moving me in between them. "I was just telling Johnny how you guys owe me for introducing you two." I want to jump out of my skin and beat her ass, I'm the only one he allows to call him that and she knows it. "Jonathan" he corrects her. That stung her, I can see it in her eyes, she turns and walks back inside. "Stop leaving me alone, it's getting hard to fight off these bitches." He jokes and tries to grab my hand but it's clenched in a fist. "Ya Calmate" he tells me. My blood is boiling but it's time for cake. I eat some and start doing shots. I see that Sarah has taken the seat closest to Jonathan and I down them faster. It's time for presents and Sarah plops her skinny ass next to Jonathan on the couch. I sit on the other side of him, he whispers in my ear to switch seats with him I do and Sarah moves to the other side of him. She opens the presents and I keep drinking Jonathan's beers. Once the presents are over she places her hand on Jonathan's leg and says RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE "She's drunk Johnny she won't remember." He says "I won't smack a bitch but she will" And with that I lunge for her but Jonathan is quicker than I am and as quickly as I fly across his lap he has me over his shoulder. "Give me that fucking bitch! I'll tear your ass up!" I scream as I kick and punch while he's hauling my ass to the bathroom. Jonathan sets me down on the toilet and I immediately shove him into the wall and run for the door. I am screaming every obscenity in the book. Jonathan hooks his arm around my waist and braces himself by grabbing the edge of the sink with his other hand. "Let me take you home" He pleads. "No! I'm gonna kill her!" "I know you will, that's why we need to go home." Sarah opens the bathroom door "Do you need me to help you carry her home?" "BIIIITTTCCHH!" I scream but Jonathan has thrown me on the ground and is sitting on me. "Don't you understand where you're not fucking wanted?!" he yells at her. "Drunk or not Johnny I'll kick her ass, please let me go" "I know" he says but I'm so enraged and so drunk I've started sobbing. His brother and friend Shawn keep Sarah upstairs and I agree to go home but as soon as Jonathan open his front door I bolt back for Sarah's house. He runs after me and Sarah closes her front door. "Fuck this!!!" I yell and go and lay down in the middle of the street. "What in the fuck are you doing?!" He says coming after me, he drags me kicking and screaming to his house. Right before we walk into his front door I throw up in his bushes. He carries me upstairs and puts me in the shower, clothes and all. Once he's washed me and got me into some clean clothes he tucks me in his bed. I cover my mouth with my hand and he quickly brings a trashcan up to my face. I throw up then fall backward onto the pillow. He kisses me. "That is sooo disgusting!" I say in a hoarse voice. "You'd do it for me" "True" I say and pass out.
*Originally written January 11th 2012
I woke up in the late afternoon, while watching TV in my mom's living room there was a knock at the door. It was Sarah's mom and she was standing there wide eyes, ear to ear grin holding a white Styrofoam cup. "Drink this" she says shoving it in my face. I grab it and eye the electric yellow liquid slush in the cup skeptically. "It's a margarita, taste it tell me if I did a good job" I drink some "it's too tart, not enough alcohol either" She says OK, spins around on the ball of her foot and leaves, her long hair trailing behind her. I finish the drink. She comes back at least 5 more times. More ice, less ice, more mix, less mix, more alcohol, less alcohol. Each time I am left with a glass and I finish it. Once I tell her it's fine she invites me to a party at her house for Sarah's daughter later in the evening, I say OK. I head over to Jonathan's and they are already smoking. I tell him about the party and he tells me Sarah came over and invited him already and jokes he was gonna go without me. We smoke and get ready.
Once we get there I can tell Sarah doesn't really want me there but I don't care. Even though it's a party for a one year old there is no one under the age of 17 and everyone is drunk, smoking or upstairs doing something far worse. I stay in the kitchen helping her crazy mom and listening to her stories. Every drink she makes I try and Jonathan knows I'm drunk when I grab his beer out of his hand and chug it. He tells me to sit down but I run away laughing. This guy asks me to dance and even though no else is I start to in the middle of the room. Jonathan shakes his head at me and goes outside to smoke. I see Sarah follow him. "Hell No!" Is what goes through my head. I walk out to Sarah standing dangerously close to him and him saying "I already got a girl." "But she doesn't know what she has." says Sarah coyly. I clear my throat and Sarah jumps but doesn't move an inch. Jonathan grabs me and purposely kisses me extra long simultaneously moving me in between them. "I was just telling Johnny how you guys owe me for introducing you two." I want to jump out of my skin and beat her ass, I'm the only one he allows to call him that and she knows it. "Jonathan" he corrects her. That stung her, I can see it in her eyes, she turns and walks back inside. "Stop leaving me alone, it's getting hard to fight off these bitches." He jokes and tries to grab my hand but it's clenched in a fist. "Ya Calmate" he tells me. My blood is boiling but it's time for cake. I eat some and start doing shots. I see that Sarah has taken the seat closest to Jonathan and I down them faster. It's time for presents and Sarah plops her skinny ass next to Jonathan on the couch. I sit on the other side of him, he whispers in my ear to switch seats with him I do and Sarah moves to the other side of him. She opens the presents and I keep drinking Jonathan's beers. Once the presents are over she places her hand on Jonathan's leg and says RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE "She's drunk Johnny she won't remember." He says "I won't smack a bitch but she will" And with that I lunge for her but Jonathan is quicker than I am and as quickly as I fly across his lap he has me over his shoulder. "Give me that fucking bitch! I'll tear your ass up!" I scream as I kick and punch while he's hauling my ass to the bathroom. Jonathan sets me down on the toilet and I immediately shove him into the wall and run for the door. I am screaming every obscenity in the book. Jonathan hooks his arm around my waist and braces himself by grabbing the edge of the sink with his other hand. "Let me take you home" He pleads. "No! I'm gonna kill her!" "I know you will, that's why we need to go home." Sarah opens the bathroom door "Do you need me to help you carry her home?" "BIIIITTTCCHH!" I scream but Jonathan has thrown me on the ground and is sitting on me. "Don't you understand where you're not fucking wanted?!" he yells at her. "Drunk or not Johnny I'll kick her ass, please let me go" "I know" he says but I'm so enraged and so drunk I've started sobbing. His brother and friend Shawn keep Sarah upstairs and I agree to go home but as soon as Jonathan open his front door I bolt back for Sarah's house. He runs after me and Sarah closes her front door. "Fuck this!!!" I yell and go and lay down in the middle of the street. "What in the fuck are you doing?!" He says coming after me, he drags me kicking and screaming to his house. Right before we walk into his front door I throw up in his bushes. He carries me upstairs and puts me in the shower, clothes and all. Once he's washed me and got me into some clean clothes he tucks me in his bed. I cover my mouth with my hand and he quickly brings a trashcan up to my face. I throw up then fall backward onto the pillow. He kisses me. "That is sooo disgusting!" I say in a hoarse voice. "You'd do it for me" "True" I say and pass out.
*Originally written January 11th 2012
Truce
Things haven't really been the same. I'm back in school and looking for work and Jonathan is spending more and more time doing things for ****** because he feels like I'm going to leave him behind. It's really a catch 22. School frustrates me because I'm a junior/senior learning about pilgrims and Indians from a 1st graders history book while all my teachers tell me I should be in college. The only thing that keeps me there is art class. It feels good to be the center of attention and applauded in a place where Jonathan can't see or scold me for it. We haven't had a blow out in awhile but we haven't been especially happy either. I decide to go see my best friends Abby and Monae for the weekend. But that is short lived when Jonathan calls every five minutes to check up on me and Abby keeps trying to snatch the phone to tell him to leave me alone. He finally calls and tries to break up with me for not answering one of his calls and I demand to be taken the 2 hour ride back home. As soon as I get there he leaves with his boys, saying it was my fault that he made plans to be out since I was out. I cry and beg and plead for him to stay home but he just says I'm making myself look childish and foolish and leaves. I try calling and threatening him to leave his house, to leave him for good but he just laughs and says go ahead. I'm so frustrated and hurt that I don't have the same power over him that he has over me. I call Abby crying. Monae wouldn't understand. I've never seen her gaga over anyone. Abby tells me how sad she is to see me so broken over a guy who doesn't respect me as he should. How I have given up everything in my life that meant something to me to try and make him better. How I should call my dad and try to fix things, come back home. I want to hang up the phone. She doesn't understand. She's a virgin. She doesn't get how connected I feel to him, how that one night changed the trajectory of my life. How it felt like I gave him a piece of my soul and how leaving him would feel like giving up on myself. She doesn't understand that calling my dad would absolve him of any guilt in abandoning me once again. The more she talks the more I see Jonathan is right, my friends don't want to see me happy, they want me to themselves. They want me to fit into the square, tidy boxes they live in. But I stay silent, making agreeing noises when the conversation calls for it. I make up my mind in that moment to stop holding back. To give Jonathan my everything, try harder to give him the child that will hold us together, to support him in everything even if that means him selling drugs. I will be the one who doesn't abandon him, I will show him unconditional love and it will give him the freedom he needs to make the changes I've been waiting for. I tell him all of this when he gets home, minus my motives, and he picks me up and spins me around. ?"You see it! You finally see how jealous those girls are that your life isn't about rules. Now it's you and me babe. You over anyone even ******. Any decision I make we'll make together." "We're a team, a packaged deal." "Yes we are! So when can I start slanging wifey?" I ask if we could discuss it the next day, he says yes and asks me to spend the night. The next morning I'm woken up by the smell of bacon but as soon as I open my eyes Jonathan laughs and dumps a water bottle on my head. I snatch it out of his hands and empty the remainder onto his. We have a water fight that ends in the shower and my world is right again.
*Originally written January 10th 2012
*Originally written January 10th 2012
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Picking Sides
That day consisted of a lot of screaming. Unlike the other times a lot of it was directed at me. Disappointment. How could I betray her trust? How could I allow them to corrupt me? How could I not be ashamed to be this version of myself infront of my sister? How could I forget that I knew better? Jonathan tried to shield me but I wanted to hear it. It was like someone screaming at me that I still mattered, I still had a chance, I could get out of this rabbit hole I had fallen into. SHE was the one woman on this earth that could understand how toxic it was for me to love her son and how much it hurt to not be able to be his savior. I wasn't allowed to spend the night anymore. She finally brought up the subject of my virginity and, once again, her disappointment in me. That I gave it away so quickly and to someone like her son who could not appreciate that gift for what it was. She wanted to know how I didn't feel betrayed, robbed, disrespected by him claiming I wasn't a virgin when I had held onto it for someone special, even after being with Aaron for so long. How could I be dumb enough to not be on my birth control. What if God forbid I had a child, brought them into this mess? How could she afford another mouth to feed all alone? How is that me not condoning Jonathan slanging meth? Part of me felt thankful that someone was recognizing my pain and another felt stabbed in the back that she was privy not just to the personal information I had given her but that she had also been her son's confidant and neither had mentioned it to me. She asked me why I quit school. How did I expect to motivate Jonathan to change if I was the only one doing the changing? It wasn't all one sided. She screamed at the boys, especially Jonathan. Although he was the middle child she had told me he had the spirit of the oldest and the other two followed his lead so she always addressed him as such. I usually was in a different room or at home when they fought so what took place before my eyes was completely foreign to me. She yelled at him and he said nothing, but as she continued I saw him snap. The way he did with me. He began to scream back. Accusing her of being a whore, a slut. That she wasn't at a woman's retreat, that she was with her n*****r boyfriend. That she hid it so her boys wouldn't kill him but that they were the ones who had slit his tires. That he found the pictures of him in her room next to her dildo. She slapped him across and he puffed up like he was going to hit her. That's when Andrew and Brett stopped him. Lisa grabbed Brett and they left. Andrew and Jonathan still fighting. I just stood there confused. I had never heard him speak to her that way. I had never heard him be so racist. I turned around and walked down the stairs and out the door. Jonathan followed me and I told him I wanted to be alone. He grabbed my arm and spun me around. I looked at him accusingly with tears streaming down my face. "It all makes sense now. Why she talks like she's given up. Why she tells me to just walk away. You don't respect women, you can't even respect your mom. She's a single mom with 3 boys who give her hell and you can't even be kind." "She's never been there for me! You don't know shit! All I have are my brothers, it's ****** baby!" He throws up his gang sign at me, which is worse than him flipping me off. I just laugh and walk away. I do know that despite what he thinks he stands for he has no clue about respect or loyalty. And I know despite what I thought we aren't on the same team.
*Originally written January 9th 2012
*Originally written January 9th 2012
Overstaying My Welcome
It's the weekend and Lisa is gone on a woman's retreat with her church. She invited me but Jonathan home alone all weekend with just the boys smells like trouble to me. My sister Nicole is over visiting my mom so she's with me at Jonathan's. Jonathan's youngest brother, Brett, is only a year or two older than my 14 year old sister. So when Jonathan gives Brett some Vodka I offer some to my sister out of the feeling of obligation. Even though I've been high since breakfast everything in me screams not to hand over the bottle. I, the real me, would NEVER do that to my little sister. My whole body sighs with relief when she refuses it. Then tenses it back up when Jonathan pressures her into it. She lets it hit her lips, scowls and hands the bottle back, asking everyone for gum or a mint. "She's not a G like you cricket eh?" She is me, I think to myself.
It's evening and we are running out of food. The day has been hilarious to say the least. Andrew is quite talkative when he is high. Brett is playing truth or dare with Jonathan and the stuff they are coming up with is hilarious. "Fuuuuccckkk!" Jonathan says staring at the cd player. He points to the display. "It's one five zero zero six o'clock! Dddaaayyyuuumm that's late! I've never stayed up that late!! Have you?" We all die laughing and explain to him that it's the total length of the cd not the time. Brett and Jonathan go down stairs to scrimmage for food and Andrew and I are still lying on the floor repeating "one five zero zero six o'clock" and laughing ourselves into a stupor again. Then I hear things falling downstairs and the boys shouting. I run out of the room to the top of the stairs and look down into the kitchen to see a big mess getting bigger. There are liters of soda strewn across the floor with their contents emptied onto the ground. Jonathan is pointing a can of cool whip towards his face and squeezes the tip. He completely misses his mouth and sprays the cabinet behind his head. He looks at it confused "Fuck! Everything is empty!!" "I know!!" Brett says after missing his mouth and pouring half the contents of an orange juice carton onto the floor. They switch the items they hold in their hands and try again to get the same results. I'm holding my sides from laughing so hard then I am falling down the stairs. Cart wheeling down. I scream. "What the hell!?" Andrew says from behind me. I'm confused. Everyone downstairs is laughing at me and I'm standing at the top step with Andrew and my sister. I realize the falling part was only in my head and start laughing too. Now Jonathan, Brett and myself are hysterical and Andrew and Nicole are confused.
Once the laughter ceases, which only got worse when we tried explaining to the other two what was going on, we order Chinese food. That's the last thing I remember before I passed out, eating Chinese food that tasted better than anything I had ever eaten and laughing at the insane mess of a house. The next thing I remember is hearing the door to in the kitchen that led into the garage open and seeing Lisa's face as she takes in the mess in the kitchen and all of us passed out in the living room....
*Originally written January 9th 2012
It's evening and we are running out of food. The day has been hilarious to say the least. Andrew is quite talkative when he is high. Brett is playing truth or dare with Jonathan and the stuff they are coming up with is hilarious. "Fuuuuccckkk!" Jonathan says staring at the cd player. He points to the display. "It's one five zero zero six o'clock! Dddaaayyyuuumm that's late! I've never stayed up that late!! Have you?" We all die laughing and explain to him that it's the total length of the cd not the time. Brett and Jonathan go down stairs to scrimmage for food and Andrew and I are still lying on the floor repeating "one five zero zero six o'clock" and laughing ourselves into a stupor again. Then I hear things falling downstairs and the boys shouting. I run out of the room to the top of the stairs and look down into the kitchen to see a big mess getting bigger. There are liters of soda strewn across the floor with their contents emptied onto the ground. Jonathan is pointing a can of cool whip towards his face and squeezes the tip. He completely misses his mouth and sprays the cabinet behind his head. He looks at it confused "Fuck! Everything is empty!!" "I know!!" Brett says after missing his mouth and pouring half the contents of an orange juice carton onto the floor. They switch the items they hold in their hands and try again to get the same results. I'm holding my sides from laughing so hard then I am falling down the stairs. Cart wheeling down. I scream. "What the hell!?" Andrew says from behind me. I'm confused. Everyone downstairs is laughing at me and I'm standing at the top step with Andrew and my sister. I realize the falling part was only in my head and start laughing too. Now Jonathan, Brett and myself are hysterical and Andrew and Nicole are confused.
Once the laughter ceases, which only got worse when we tried explaining to the other two what was going on, we order Chinese food. That's the last thing I remember before I passed out, eating Chinese food that tasted better than anything I had ever eaten and laughing at the insane mess of a house. The next thing I remember is hearing the door to in the kitchen that led into the garage open and seeing Lisa's face as she takes in the mess in the kitchen and all of us passed out in the living room....
*Originally written January 9th 2012
Only dreaming
It has become the norm for me to sit at home waiting by the phone while Jonathan runs around town making a name for his gang. A positive pregnancy test hasn't deterred him in the least. Instead it has turned a new leaf, the wrong leaf. He won't stop talking about selling meth. He is completely drawn to life his friends lead and is sold out to the idea that this is the only way we can afford a baby. He wants what they have, multiple houses, multiple cars, vacations, buying their way out of jail. All I notice is that each of their houses holds a different girlfriend with their own set of children that are completely unaware of the others. In fact this is the case even for the men that can't afford it. Some of them even doing time for back owed child support, while getting money put on their books from a different clueless baby mama. From what I can tell Jonathan and his best friend Dominic are the only ones with one girlfriend. Jonathan takes me to every kick back, every house party, baby shower, bbq. His friends are not too fond of this, they are convinced I will tell the girls out of obligation but Jonathan assures them he "would never date a snitch." And it's true, I know where my place is and the last thing I'm gonna do is fuck up my relationship for someone else.
Knowing my place...that seems to be a running theme these days and I realize that I am becoming less of myself. I notice it while we are out to dinner one night and when the waiter asks me what I want to drink I look straight at Jonathan for an answer. We have never been out in public together, Only to parties and his friends are not allowed to engage me in conversation. I remembered what happened last time he caught me talking to one of them which causes me to freeze up when the waiter asks me again. I tell Jonathan my order and he tells it to the waiter. The waiter seems baffled but walks away. "Don't act deaf and dumb when people talk to you. It makes you seem like an idiot or a snob." "I didn't know what you wanted me to do." "Speak up I don't control you. I just don't like when you get that giggle in your voice when you talk to dudes. Be respectful to me, but don't be a snob." The waiter comes back for our order and I give him mine. He says a smart comment like "You got permission to speak?" or something along those lines and I laugh. Which is followed by a swift kick to the shin. No matter what he says he does control me. I've estranged myself from all my guy friends and he is slowly trying to convince me that my best girl friend really is in love with me. One by one everyone is disappearing and he is becoming my world. The thought saddens me but the thought of losing him kills me.
We leave the restaurant because part of me can't take one more second of this talk about "slanging krystal" and because another part of me can't withstand the cramps I've suddenly incurred. I go home instead of his place. I feel like an animal hiding away to die alone. I try to go to sleep but the pain is so unbearable I have nightmares I'm being tortured and my brother wakes me up because my crying and whimpering in my sleep keep waking him. I figure I ate something bad and go to the restroom to try to throw it up. Then I feel something wet in between my legs I hurry and sit on the toilet and when I stand up I see it. The toilet is full of blood and clots of things foreign to me. After an hour or so the pain subsides and I know it's over. I grab a bottle of southern comfort and pour some into a glass of iced tea then sit at the computer googling what a miscarriage looks like, reading stories and comparing pictures. I text Jonathan that I am no longer pregnant. He tells me to come over, I inform him I am drunk and he comes to get me. We don't talk about it. We just walk up to his room and get into bed. He wraps his arms around me and we fall asleep.
I dream about a fair skinned, cherub faced little boy with jet black soft curls. I see him at different ages all at once. Newborn, infant, toddler. Laying, crawling, walking. Then I see a small coffin being placed into the ground and dirt being thrown on top of it. Right before I wake I see his tombstone...I know his name. When Jonathan wakes I tell him all about it. "I would never let you name my kid that." He's right. And I convince myself it was all just a really bad dream and that I really just got my period.
*Originally written January 8th 2012
Knowing my place...that seems to be a running theme these days and I realize that I am becoming less of myself. I notice it while we are out to dinner one night and when the waiter asks me what I want to drink I look straight at Jonathan for an answer. We have never been out in public together, Only to parties and his friends are not allowed to engage me in conversation. I remembered what happened last time he caught me talking to one of them which causes me to freeze up when the waiter asks me again. I tell Jonathan my order and he tells it to the waiter. The waiter seems baffled but walks away. "Don't act deaf and dumb when people talk to you. It makes you seem like an idiot or a snob." "I didn't know what you wanted me to do." "Speak up I don't control you. I just don't like when you get that giggle in your voice when you talk to dudes. Be respectful to me, but don't be a snob." The waiter comes back for our order and I give him mine. He says a smart comment like "You got permission to speak?" or something along those lines and I laugh. Which is followed by a swift kick to the shin. No matter what he says he does control me. I've estranged myself from all my guy friends and he is slowly trying to convince me that my best girl friend really is in love with me. One by one everyone is disappearing and he is becoming my world. The thought saddens me but the thought of losing him kills me.
We leave the restaurant because part of me can't take one more second of this talk about "slanging krystal" and because another part of me can't withstand the cramps I've suddenly incurred. I go home instead of his place. I feel like an animal hiding away to die alone. I try to go to sleep but the pain is so unbearable I have nightmares I'm being tortured and my brother wakes me up because my crying and whimpering in my sleep keep waking him. I figure I ate something bad and go to the restroom to try to throw it up. Then I feel something wet in between my legs I hurry and sit on the toilet and when I stand up I see it. The toilet is full of blood and clots of things foreign to me. After an hour or so the pain subsides and I know it's over. I grab a bottle of southern comfort and pour some into a glass of iced tea then sit at the computer googling what a miscarriage looks like, reading stories and comparing pictures. I text Jonathan that I am no longer pregnant. He tells me to come over, I inform him I am drunk and he comes to get me. We don't talk about it. We just walk up to his room and get into bed. He wraps his arms around me and we fall asleep.
I dream about a fair skinned, cherub faced little boy with jet black soft curls. I see him at different ages all at once. Newborn, infant, toddler. Laying, crawling, walking. Then I see a small coffin being placed into the ground and dirt being thrown on top of it. Right before I wake I see his tombstone...I know his name. When Jonathan wakes I tell him all about it. "I would never let you name my kid that." He's right. And I convince myself it was all just a really bad dream and that I really just got my period.
*Originally written January 8th 2012
Fish Out of Water
I am sitting on Jonathan's bed all alone in his room. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears. My eyes are puffy from crying and I'm praying fervently on end. How is this my life?
(2 hours earlier)
Jonathan texts me that he is "going on a mission. Don't come over here" He hasn't gone on one while being in ****** yet and I'm immediately sick to my stomach. I run to his house as fast as I can. I'm already crying by the time I get up to his room. "Get out" he tells me. His room is packed full of men, grown ass men, and there are guns strewn across his bed. I knew this was coming when he told me about one of the members getting shot & killed and another being put into a coma the night before. I just didn't think he would be part of it. He knows I missed my period, why would he go if we might possibly be expecting a child? "Even a baby won't change him, Emily, don't make the same mistakes as me." I hear Lisa say in my head. "You're not going" I tell him matter-of-factly. "Quiet" He says. Completely dismissing me and making a map on a piece of paper atop of his dresser. I make my way through the sea of shaved heads. I snatch the paper out from under his pen. "What the fuck!" He shouts. "Get your heina under control" says Jorge. "Shut the fuck up Jorge" I snap back. "Everyone get out" Jonathan says and they all leave the room. I'm about to explain the reason for my outburst when the I'm thrown against the wall so hard the wind is knocked out of me. He punches the wall right by my head. I fall to my knees then crumple onto my side. The sudden loss of air has triggered an asthma attack. I'm gasping for air like a fish out of water. "Shuuuuttt uupp" Jonathan is bent over face in mine, teeth clenched and speaking in the ugliest voice I've ever heard. It sounds sub-human. "BREATHE" the strange voice shouts at me through Jonathan's clenched teeth. He lifts me up into the air by the shoulders and slams me into the wall again "Breathe!" Tears are streaming down my cheeks and everything is going dark. "DAMMIT!" He shouts and kicks the wall letting me fall back onto the floor. He walks away and what feels like eons later he comes back with my inhaler and shoots it's contents into my mouth.
I wake up in a ball exactly where I last remember being with a pounding migraine. Jonathan is moving his dresser to cover the hole he kicked into his wall. A poster is already hanging over the hole made by his fist. "You need to get that shit under control." I look up at him and can tell he's high. I would have never snatched that paper if I knew he was. He's always a lit fuse when he's high or drunk."How long was I passed out for? "A couple minutes" Also explains his lack of concern at me passing out. He must be nervous about tonight. He tosses me his phone and starts to collect the guns off his bed with gloved hands. "Stay here tonight. If I don't come home before morning call ****** he's in my contacts under John. Tell him you're *****'s heina. He'll tell you what happened to me. He'll give you money to give my mom, but don't tell her who it's from say I left it behind or she won't take it. If you're pregnant than keep it for the baby." He remembers..how can he say all of this so non-chalantly. I am beginning to lose my breath again. "Take your inhaler" He snaps me out of my trance. He continues giving me instructions on where important papers are, who to call if Dominic doesn't come home, what to say if I get questioned. I silently sit there watching him clean all the guns and bullets free of prints and put them in a bag. I know I should see him differently but I don't. Nothing could make me love him less. He motions for me to come give him a hug as he gets up to leave but I shake my head no. "Ok be like that then" He says and bends down to kiss the top of my head. "I love you Cricket" He says as closes the door behind him. He calls me that because I never stop talking..but right now I don't have a thing to say.
I get up and sit on his bed. I know I won't be able to sleep. I just sit there numb, staring at nothing. I don't know whether to be angry he fought with me before leaving, sad that I let him walk away without a proper hug and kiss, worried that he might get shot, worried that he might shoot someone. I don't know where to start or where to end. I try to watch a movie but it makes me cry. I can hear Andrew in his room, he's in ****** too now but he didn't go. Oh how I wish Jonathan was like that. But that's what I love about him isn't it? His constant need to protect his reputation or add to it in this case. I cry and pray, cry and pray until I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my eyes are puffy from crying. I cannot think of what to do so I grab my bible from his bookshelf and start to read. Then I grab a pen and paper and start to write. I fold it up, lay back on the bed and talk to the baby that I know is in my womb about Jonathan and how we first met.
I'm startled by Jonathan's phone going off and I answer it. "Did you pray?" He asks me? "What?" "Did you pray?" "Yes" "Told you man! This girl's got a direct line to God foo'" He tells his audience in the car. Well you better get on your knees and thank him." He sounds as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. "Why what happened?" "We went in two cars but the guns were in ours and the car in front ours got pulled over so we kept driving but something told me to toss the guns so we did then what the fuck do you think happened?" "You got pulled over?" "Yep but we didn't have anything so they let us go with just a fix it ticket for the tint. The only people that got in trouble were the foo's with warrants out and shit." "But you're on probation!?" "I gave them Andrew's info." He explains. "I'll be home in a minute. Whooo! You better be naked!" "Omg shut up!" He laughs then whispers into the phone "Thanks babe" before hanging up I knew he didn't want to do it! When he walks through the bedroom door I hand him the note. He unfolds my fancy heart and reads it.."Who needs a bible when I got you, huh?" he says. As I hug him all is forgiven. He is mine and that is all that matters.
WHAT THE NOTE SAID
Call on him and he will be there.
Jehovah-raah: your caring Shepard. Call on him when you need direction.
Jehovah-jireh: your provider. Call on him when you need provisions.
Jehovah-shalom: your peace. Call on him when you are overwhelmed.
Jehovah-rophe: your healer. Call on him when you are sick or weak.
Jehovah-nissi: your refuge. Call on him when you are being attacked.
***Before anyone gets too concerned this is a memory of mine I have from a couple years back..no need to be alarmed***
*Originally written January 8th 2012
(2 hours earlier)
Jonathan texts me that he is "going on a mission. Don't come over here" He hasn't gone on one while being in ****** yet and I'm immediately sick to my stomach. I run to his house as fast as I can. I'm already crying by the time I get up to his room. "Get out" he tells me. His room is packed full of men, grown ass men, and there are guns strewn across his bed. I knew this was coming when he told me about one of the members getting shot & killed and another being put into a coma the night before. I just didn't think he would be part of it. He knows I missed my period, why would he go if we might possibly be expecting a child? "Even a baby won't change him, Emily, don't make the same mistakes as me." I hear Lisa say in my head. "You're not going" I tell him matter-of-factly. "Quiet" He says. Completely dismissing me and making a map on a piece of paper atop of his dresser. I make my way through the sea of shaved heads. I snatch the paper out from under his pen. "What the fuck!" He shouts. "Get your heina under control" says Jorge. "Shut the fuck up Jorge" I snap back. "Everyone get out" Jonathan says and they all leave the room. I'm about to explain the reason for my outburst when the I'm thrown against the wall so hard the wind is knocked out of me. He punches the wall right by my head. I fall to my knees then crumple onto my side. The sudden loss of air has triggered an asthma attack. I'm gasping for air like a fish out of water. "Shuuuuttt uupp" Jonathan is bent over face in mine, teeth clenched and speaking in the ugliest voice I've ever heard. It sounds sub-human. "BREATHE" the strange voice shouts at me through Jonathan's clenched teeth. He lifts me up into the air by the shoulders and slams me into the wall again "Breathe!" Tears are streaming down my cheeks and everything is going dark. "DAMMIT!" He shouts and kicks the wall letting me fall back onto the floor. He walks away and what feels like eons later he comes back with my inhaler and shoots it's contents into my mouth.
I wake up in a ball exactly where I last remember being with a pounding migraine. Jonathan is moving his dresser to cover the hole he kicked into his wall. A poster is already hanging over the hole made by his fist. "You need to get that shit under control." I look up at him and can tell he's high. I would have never snatched that paper if I knew he was. He's always a lit fuse when he's high or drunk."How long was I passed out for? "A couple minutes" Also explains his lack of concern at me passing out. He must be nervous about tonight. He tosses me his phone and starts to collect the guns off his bed with gloved hands. "Stay here tonight. If I don't come home before morning call ****** he's in my contacts under John. Tell him you're *****'s heina. He'll tell you what happened to me. He'll give you money to give my mom, but don't tell her who it's from say I left it behind or she won't take it. If you're pregnant than keep it for the baby." He remembers..how can he say all of this so non-chalantly. I am beginning to lose my breath again. "Take your inhaler" He snaps me out of my trance. He continues giving me instructions on where important papers are, who to call if Dominic doesn't come home, what to say if I get questioned. I silently sit there watching him clean all the guns and bullets free of prints and put them in a bag. I know I should see him differently but I don't. Nothing could make me love him less. He motions for me to come give him a hug as he gets up to leave but I shake my head no. "Ok be like that then" He says and bends down to kiss the top of my head. "I love you Cricket" He says as closes the door behind him. He calls me that because I never stop talking..but right now I don't have a thing to say.
I get up and sit on his bed. I know I won't be able to sleep. I just sit there numb, staring at nothing. I don't know whether to be angry he fought with me before leaving, sad that I let him walk away without a proper hug and kiss, worried that he might get shot, worried that he might shoot someone. I don't know where to start or where to end. I try to watch a movie but it makes me cry. I can hear Andrew in his room, he's in ****** too now but he didn't go. Oh how I wish Jonathan was like that. But that's what I love about him isn't it? His constant need to protect his reputation or add to it in this case. I cry and pray, cry and pray until I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my eyes are puffy from crying. I cannot think of what to do so I grab my bible from his bookshelf and start to read. Then I grab a pen and paper and start to write. I fold it up, lay back on the bed and talk to the baby that I know is in my womb about Jonathan and how we first met.
I'm startled by Jonathan's phone going off and I answer it. "Did you pray?" He asks me? "What?" "Did you pray?" "Yes" "Told you man! This girl's got a direct line to God foo'" He tells his audience in the car. Well you better get on your knees and thank him." He sounds as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. "Why what happened?" "We went in two cars but the guns were in ours and the car in front ours got pulled over so we kept driving but something told me to toss the guns so we did then what the fuck do you think happened?" "You got pulled over?" "Yep but we didn't have anything so they let us go with just a fix it ticket for the tint. The only people that got in trouble were the foo's with warrants out and shit." "But you're on probation!?" "I gave them Andrew's info." He explains. "I'll be home in a minute. Whooo! You better be naked!" "Omg shut up!" He laughs then whispers into the phone "Thanks babe" before hanging up I knew he didn't want to do it! When he walks through the bedroom door I hand him the note. He unfolds my fancy heart and reads it.."Who needs a bible when I got you, huh?" he says. As I hug him all is forgiven. He is mine and that is all that matters.
WHAT THE NOTE SAID
Call on him and he will be there.
Jehovah-raah: your caring Shepard. Call on him when you need direction.
Jehovah-jireh: your provider. Call on him when you need provisions.
Jehovah-shalom: your peace. Call on him when you are overwhelmed.
Jehovah-rophe: your healer. Call on him when you are sick or weak.
Jehovah-nissi: your refuge. Call on him when you are being attacked.
***Before anyone gets too concerned this is a memory of mine I have from a couple years back..no need to be alarmed***
*Originally written January 8th 2012
Losing Ground, Losing Self
If you have ever stood on an edge and tried to pull someone who is hanging off up onto the safety of the ledge then you understand what my relationship with Jonathan is becoming. The weight of him, his lifestyle, his nuances it's all pulling me down faster than I can get him on solid ground. The more I become addicted to his lifestyle the less stable the ledge I'm standing on is. This world I am now becoming a part of is so different than the one I am meant for that I start to feel a war raging within me. Although I read my bible everyday still I haven't been to church in months. I feel a sense of disappointment from Lisa and it's as if I've lost my only ally in my mission to help him turn is life around.
It's a Sunday morning & Jonathan & I pretend to still be asleep when Lisa comes in to wake us for church. I am slightly embarrassed that she knew I spent the night without her permission. When she arrives home I am in the kitchen. As soon as I hear the door I realize it's too late to make a dash for the room. I have been avoiding her, I know she is going to want to talk. "Good morning" she says. "Morning" I reply staring at my shoes. Suddenly I am fully aware of how much I have changed. Navy blue and white Nike cortezes with think blue laces are on my feet and I'm wearing navy blue sweats, a white beater and a blue rag in my scrunched hair. Which is now curly thanks to the birth control I'm on. "Church was really good today, you should have gone. It would have been a good message for you and Jonathan to hear." She says to me ignoring my appearance. "Yeah.. sorry we were up too late, I guess" "I heard" she says looking at something else. There is no way she is as embarrassed as me. I swear I never heard her come home. "I have something for you!" She says suddenly and runs out to the car. "I don't know if you have a place to play this but I'm sure we'll figure something out if you don't." She says as she's walking back through the door. She hands me a box of cassettes. Hillsong, Jars of Clay.. it's all a bunch of the Christian groups I loved. All the Cd's I left behind. Tears well up in my throat. How can I be so careless about someone who thinks of me when I am not around? She is everything I could want in a parent and I keep failing her. "Thank you" I manage to choke out, "We'll go next Sunday, I promise." "I knew you were still there under that costume" She says half jokingly. I smile at her and start my way towards the stairs. "Emily," she calls me back. "It's harder to pull someone up than it is to drag them down." I shake my head in agreement. Don't I know it!
*Originally written January 8th 2012
It's a Sunday morning & Jonathan & I pretend to still be asleep when Lisa comes in to wake us for church. I am slightly embarrassed that she knew I spent the night without her permission. When she arrives home I am in the kitchen. As soon as I hear the door I realize it's too late to make a dash for the room. I have been avoiding her, I know she is going to want to talk. "Good morning" she says. "Morning" I reply staring at my shoes. Suddenly I am fully aware of how much I have changed. Navy blue and white Nike cortezes with think blue laces are on my feet and I'm wearing navy blue sweats, a white beater and a blue rag in my scrunched hair. Which is now curly thanks to the birth control I'm on. "Church was really good today, you should have gone. It would have been a good message for you and Jonathan to hear." She says to me ignoring my appearance. "Yeah.. sorry we were up too late, I guess" "I heard" she says looking at something else. There is no way she is as embarrassed as me. I swear I never heard her come home. "I have something for you!" She says suddenly and runs out to the car. "I don't know if you have a place to play this but I'm sure we'll figure something out if you don't." She says as she's walking back through the door. She hands me a box of cassettes. Hillsong, Jars of Clay.. it's all a bunch of the Christian groups I loved. All the Cd's I left behind. Tears well up in my throat. How can I be so careless about someone who thinks of me when I am not around? She is everything I could want in a parent and I keep failing her. "Thank you" I manage to choke out, "We'll go next Sunday, I promise." "I knew you were still there under that costume" She says half jokingly. I smile at her and start my way towards the stairs. "Emily," she calls me back. "It's harder to pull someone up than it is to drag them down." I shake my head in agreement. Don't I know it!
*Originally written January 8th 2012
Fiending
I've know it all my life, as far back as I can remember. I have an addictive personality. But I had never encountered anything that would be harmful to me if done on a consistent basis.. until Jonathan. He brought on a slew of addictions. At first it was the need for the adrenaline rush it gave me to be with him. The way he'd puff his chest out at anyone who looked at me. Then it was his constant attention and jealousy, I loved it! Then it was sex. For the better part of our 2 year relationship it was never less than 5 times a day. I considered it normal it was all I knew. Then there was that day in his garage. He was still fascinated by my innocence. I was naive to so many things he was keen to.
"We're gonna pop your weed cherry today" He says to me as I walk into his garage. He's sitting on his weight bunch sorting through tiny leaves. Placing some on what looks like brown paper but smells like vanilla and tossing others into a trash bag. I watch him in amazement as he licks his fingers and rolls it all up with ease. Passing it through a flame a couple times before holding it out in front of his face to admire his work. "Damn I'm good!" He says with that smile that always reminds me that somewhere inside of him is a boy that is only 17. "First off" he says as he joins me on a tattered old couch in the corner of his garage. "Never let anyone else roll a blunt for you. People like to lace it with krystal, coke, you name it. Never, do you understand? Not unless I'm there and I say it's ok. Have you ever seen me ask a stranger for a cigarette?" I shake my head no "NO I haven't. Wanna know why? Cuz I'm not a dumb fuck. People dip their shit in coke and then I'm there thinking I'm just smoking a cigarette. If you wanna smoke weed ask me I'll teach you what to look for, I'll teach you how to break it up, how to cop the good kind, what you should pay for it. But don't ever smoke with people you don't know. You might react different and who's gonna look out for you? And none of this weed is a gateway drug shit. I don't do drugs I don't date girls that do drugs. They make you crazy, weed just relaxes you. This will calm your hyper ass down." He's lit up the blunt and started to smoke it during his lecture. He holds it out and nods his head toward me. I'm nervous and giddy at the same time so I lunge for it. "Don't do that. Don't look desperate, act like you've done it before" "But I haven't" I protest "I know but people can sense when other people are nervous don't do that. You'll kill the other person's buzz. Plus if you look desperate you'll look like a fiend and you're too good for that. And don't swallow the air like I do, you're not used to it you'll choke." But he's already handed it to me and I've already swallowed a big cloud. My eyes water because I desperately need to cough but I'm stubborn so I hold my breath. "Let it out!" He says. I cross my arms and shake my head "Let it out!" I do but I don't see a white cloud like his, it's just looks like dispersed fog. He starts laughing "My girl's a G" he says proudly to himself. We sit there smoking for what feels like an hour. He looks at me with glossy red half closed eyes. "Are you high yet?" He asks "I don't think so" I reply "Check this out" he say as he moves his hand in front of my face and I burst out laughing. It looks as if his hand is rippling. I cannot explain it any other way. "Tight isn't it? that's how you know you're gone. Look at this" then he places all ten fingers on my arms and drags them down. I feel them everywhere yet not at all. I can't stop laughing. I think if someone died in front of me right now I'd still be laughing. Then I realize I am saying my inner dialogue out loud. "Oh my God you're so blown, let's get you upstairs" It's the first time I have sex while intoxicated...it is my new addiction.
*Originally written January 6th 2012
"We're gonna pop your weed cherry today" He says to me as I walk into his garage. He's sitting on his weight bunch sorting through tiny leaves. Placing some on what looks like brown paper but smells like vanilla and tossing others into a trash bag. I watch him in amazement as he licks his fingers and rolls it all up with ease. Passing it through a flame a couple times before holding it out in front of his face to admire his work. "Damn I'm good!" He says with that smile that always reminds me that somewhere inside of him is a boy that is only 17. "First off" he says as he joins me on a tattered old couch in the corner of his garage. "Never let anyone else roll a blunt for you. People like to lace it with krystal, coke, you name it. Never, do you understand? Not unless I'm there and I say it's ok. Have you ever seen me ask a stranger for a cigarette?" I shake my head no "NO I haven't. Wanna know why? Cuz I'm not a dumb fuck. People dip their shit in coke and then I'm there thinking I'm just smoking a cigarette. If you wanna smoke weed ask me I'll teach you what to look for, I'll teach you how to break it up, how to cop the good kind, what you should pay for it. But don't ever smoke with people you don't know. You might react different and who's gonna look out for you? And none of this weed is a gateway drug shit. I don't do drugs I don't date girls that do drugs. They make you crazy, weed just relaxes you. This will calm your hyper ass down." He's lit up the blunt and started to smoke it during his lecture. He holds it out and nods his head toward me. I'm nervous and giddy at the same time so I lunge for it. "Don't do that. Don't look desperate, act like you've done it before" "But I haven't" I protest "I know but people can sense when other people are nervous don't do that. You'll kill the other person's buzz. Plus if you look desperate you'll look like a fiend and you're too good for that. And don't swallow the air like I do, you're not used to it you'll choke." But he's already handed it to me and I've already swallowed a big cloud. My eyes water because I desperately need to cough but I'm stubborn so I hold my breath. "Let it out!" He says. I cross my arms and shake my head "Let it out!" I do but I don't see a white cloud like his, it's just looks like dispersed fog. He starts laughing "My girl's a G" he says proudly to himself. We sit there smoking for what feels like an hour. He looks at me with glossy red half closed eyes. "Are you high yet?" He asks "I don't think so" I reply "Check this out" he say as he moves his hand in front of my face and I burst out laughing. It looks as if his hand is rippling. I cannot explain it any other way. "Tight isn't it? that's how you know you're gone. Look at this" then he places all ten fingers on my arms and drags them down. I feel them everywhere yet not at all. I can't stop laughing. I think if someone died in front of me right now I'd still be laughing. Then I realize I am saying my inner dialogue out loud. "Oh my God you're so blown, let's get you upstairs" It's the first time I have sex while intoxicated...it is my new addiction.
*Originally written January 6th 2012
Mourning the Living
Before I met Jonathan, after I had convinced my mom to allow me to see my friends, I arranged to see Aaron. My 17th birthday was on a Saturday and we planned for me to take the train down on Friday and spend the night at my friend James' house like I did most times I came down. Aaron had gotten a car while I was away and told me of his plans to take me to a beach and some other surprises for my birthday. I was very excited at the thought of being able to pick up where we left off. To continue our plans of one day getting married and having a daughter named Renaye. The day I plan on taking the train I wake up early and clean my room. I find my mom in the kitchen and tell her I am ready for her to drive me to the station. She asks me if my room is clean and I say yes. She goes to check and comes out with a sock. She explains that it was on my floor. I apologize and motion to take it from her to put it away. She yanks back her hand and screams at me that I lied to her and therefore cannot go. She continues to scream at me about how my step-dad wants me gone...yada yada yada. She leaves the house. I know now no matter what I cannot make it out there. We live in a small city that doesn't run trains after 5:30 or on weekends. I am stuck out here. I text Aaron because I am so disappointed I could cry and I don't want him to hear it in my voice. It is early evening but I go to bed. I am woken up by my girl friend's at midnight conference calling me to sing happy birthday. I love them. I miss them. I cry myself back to sleep. I wake up the next day to a text from Aaron saying "Happy Birthday babe. I love you and miss you and will be thinking of you all day. You're in my heart Always and Forever" I text back a thank you and try to start a conversation. No response. I carry on throughout my day, my mom clearly avoiding me like the plague. Around noon I realize Aaron still hasn't text me back. I call him. No answer. I call again. He picks up on the first ring. "Yeah?" he answers like I'm annoying him. "I'm sorry were you bu..." I start but then I hear them, waves. "Are you at the beach?" "Let me call you back" he demands "Why?" I ask "Who is that?" I hear a girl ask in the background "I'll call you back" He says and hangs up. I go back to sleep. I keep my phone on silent. I don't care what he has to say. I wake up when the moon is high. No missed calls, just one text.."you mad?" He knows I heard her "How was your day?" I ask in my typical passive aggressive way. He calls me. I don't answer. He leaves a voicemail about how he spent money on all his plans for my birthday and he wasn't about to let it go to waste. How I was being selfish. This isn't the Aaron I know. Situations like this become the norm. Him avoiding my calls while he "secretly" went on dates. Inviting me to senior prom but then taking someone else. I tell him we should end things and just remain friends so as not to burn bridges. All my friends are his friends after all. He suddenly acts like he has an epiphany "I know what we should do Em's!" "What?" I ask reluctantly. "How about we are together when you come down to visit but we are single when you go home?" He says this as if it's a phenomenal idea. He says this as if I will jump onto this band wagon wholeheartedly. I resign to the idea that the person I loved no longer exists. I cut off all ties. I mourn him like he's died, because that is exactly how it feels. He has changed into a completely different person. I cannot find even a piece of my best friend anywhere within this new person. He has vanished into thin air and I miss him immensely. He is gone and I am abandoned once again.
*Originally written January 6th 2012
*Originally written January 6th 2012
Unfinished
To say I came out unscathed
Would be a lie
To say I am broken
Would be to deny
The parts of my heart
That love as if it were whole
If I could accredit it to strength
I surely would
But I assure you it's not
It's merely the makeup of my being
I do not know how to be other than this
Someone who gives with everything
Warranted or not
For those I love, my heart is theirs to claim
As pieced together as it may be
When I give you my love
I give you all of me
Even if it is unfinished
Would be a lie
To say I am broken
Would be to deny
The parts of my heart
That love as if it were whole
If I could accredit it to strength
I surely would
But I assure you it's not
It's merely the makeup of my being
I do not know how to be other than this
Someone who gives with everything
Warranted or not
For those I love, my heart is theirs to claim
As pieced together as it may be
When I give you my love
I give you all of me
Even if it is unfinished
Lying by Omission
I have a restless night. I dream about that summer day. My mom is telling me to go play outside. I sign to her, she is hard of hearing, that I am hot. She orders me to go. I leave our downstairs apartment and walk upstairs to my aunt's. I walk inside and my grandma is sitting on the couch. I try to make my way to my cousin's room with just a hello to her but she stops me. "Eme, it's too hot to be wearing this outside" she tells me in her Dominican accent. "I'm cold" I lie. "No you're not, you're just stubborn" she says as she tries to remove my clothes as I hold my hands to stiffly my side. She's getting frustrated so I let my arms float up as tears stream down my face. My back is to her as she removes my turtle neck. She gasps every time she touches a welt. "Mirnah!" She calls for my aunt. "Bien aqui! Mira la nina!" She tells her to come look at me. They ask me if my mom did this, I say yes. She's hit me before, they know this. But it has never been this bad. I spend the day playing with my cousin, nervous about what will happen when my dad comes home. I overhear them talking in my aunt's living room. I hear my dad's voice raise. I hear him walk out the door. Is he finally going to stand up to my mom? I want to know. I have to know. I run out the room, out the front door, down the steps and into our apartment. He's yelling at my mom. Saying he's had enough. Finally I think. She's crying begging for forgiveness, making empty promises. I stare at him, praying he won't change his mind. He says he's really done this time, he is leaving. I want to jump for joy. I want to leave even if it means leaving everything behind. I am so excited. I watch him pack his things in sheer anticipation. Then he looks at me, bends down to kiss me on the head, ruffles my hair and walks out the door. He's abandoned me.
I wake up in the morning and decide to go to Jonathan's. I can't shake the feeling that I don't belong to anyone. I don't want to be alone. I contemplate waking him up with breakfast. It isn't unusual that I show up unannounced. I walk across the street and see their garage open. This strikes me as odd since they usually sleep in. As soon as I let myself in I hear shuffling. "OOhh you're in deep shit homie!" I hear his best friend Dominic say. I walk up the stairs, the first things I notice is blood. It seems to be on everyone. Then I finally focus Andrew and their friend Jorge have blood on their clothes. Jonathan and Dominic are bleeding from their faces. Jonathan smiles a sheepish grin at me. I walk into the bathroom, where he is standing over the sink and close the door on the others. I can hear them snicker and gather at the door. "What the hell?" I demand. "I told you I had to get jumped in" "No you didn't" I argue "You said they gave you an ultimatum. You never said you had made up your mind" Was I one of the girls whose opinion didn't matter? Then it hit me. "Andrew and Jorge. Why aren't they bloody?" "They didn't get jumped in. They're a bunch of pussies. They're not down like me and Dom." "What? Then why would you" "I told you, Emily, I didn't have a choice." What is he saying? He's making no sense. I storm out of the bathroom. The boys immediately start stuttering. Andrew offers up some information "I told him not to do it. I told him it was stupid. They can't stop us from hanging out. "They let me know that they were offered a place in the gang not given an ultimatum. It was just a way for them to be legitimate. I can feel Jonathan's eyes glaring at them as they rat him out. I feel betrayed and lied to. I clean up the boys' wounds. I remove the blood from their clothes & the towels they used before throwing it all into the wash. I don't want Lisa to find out, she'll be devastated. We carry on through the day as if nothing has changed.
Lisa comes home and flips out at the sight of Jonathan's black eye and busted lip. She may work long hours but she isn't naive to what talk has been circulating her home. She cries as if she is about to bury a child, she talks about him as if he is already gone. She goes up to her room, comes out dolled up and leaves for drinks with friends. She is stressed. She cannot deal. I want to feel something other than sad. I sleep with Jonathan but it already feels different. I hide the tears in my eyes. "I wish this could last forever" I accidentally say out loud. "Then make it" He says playfully as he brushes my cheek with the back of his hand. A tear slips out. How can a moment feel like a memory when I'm still in it?
*Originally written January 5th 2012
I wake up in the morning and decide to go to Jonathan's. I can't shake the feeling that I don't belong to anyone. I don't want to be alone. I contemplate waking him up with breakfast. It isn't unusual that I show up unannounced. I walk across the street and see their garage open. This strikes me as odd since they usually sleep in. As soon as I let myself in I hear shuffling. "OOhh you're in deep shit homie!" I hear his best friend Dominic say. I walk up the stairs, the first things I notice is blood. It seems to be on everyone. Then I finally focus Andrew and their friend Jorge have blood on their clothes. Jonathan and Dominic are bleeding from their faces. Jonathan smiles a sheepish grin at me. I walk into the bathroom, where he is standing over the sink and close the door on the others. I can hear them snicker and gather at the door. "What the hell?" I demand. "I told you I had to get jumped in" "No you didn't" I argue "You said they gave you an ultimatum. You never said you had made up your mind" Was I one of the girls whose opinion didn't matter? Then it hit me. "Andrew and Jorge. Why aren't they bloody?" "They didn't get jumped in. They're a bunch of pussies. They're not down like me and Dom." "What? Then why would you" "I told you, Emily, I didn't have a choice." What is he saying? He's making no sense. I storm out of the bathroom. The boys immediately start stuttering. Andrew offers up some information "I told him not to do it. I told him it was stupid. They can't stop us from hanging out. "They let me know that they were offered a place in the gang not given an ultimatum. It was just a way for them to be legitimate. I can feel Jonathan's eyes glaring at them as they rat him out. I feel betrayed and lied to. I clean up the boys' wounds. I remove the blood from their clothes & the towels they used before throwing it all into the wash. I don't want Lisa to find out, she'll be devastated. We carry on through the day as if nothing has changed.
Lisa comes home and flips out at the sight of Jonathan's black eye and busted lip. She may work long hours but she isn't naive to what talk has been circulating her home. She cries as if she is about to bury a child, she talks about him as if he is already gone. She goes up to her room, comes out dolled up and leaves for drinks with friends. She is stressed. She cannot deal. I want to feel something other than sad. I sleep with Jonathan but it already feels different. I hide the tears in my eyes. "I wish this could last forever" I accidentally say out loud. "Then make it" He says playfully as he brushes my cheek with the back of his hand. A tear slips out. How can a moment feel like a memory when I'm still in it?
*Originally written January 5th 2012
Something That Doesn't Belong to Me
The next two weeks are a whirlwind. I cannot untie one memory from another, they are all intertwined and I cannot unravel them try as I may. I cannot for the life of me remember the order in which it all happened. Maybe it's shame that prevents it or maybe this is where I broke. Whatever it is, it causes these memories to be vivid yet play in my head as if it were one continuous day. I remember my mom getting upset at the time I spent with Jonathan. Upset that I was not attending my one class a week for fear that he might get into trouble while I was away. Upset that my life revolved around him. Upset that I stopped visiting my friends on the weekends. I did not care and she did nothing, outside of a few comments, to stop me.
It's evening and I am cuddled up with Jonathan on his bed. We just got done watching What Dreams May Come. We are talking about our childhoods, things we hate, things we want to accomplish. "I hate being tickled" I say "What?" "I hate it. It makes me feel like someone is raping me" "That's weird. Have you ever been raped?" "No but my step dad used to touch me" I say. "What? Like how?" he looks at me with a puzzled look on his face. "He would put his hands under my clothes or try and show me his thing, draw me pictures of it" I say as my eyes fill with tears "Does your mom know? Does he still touch you?" "Yeah she knew but it didn't matter. He stopped. The court took us away and now I have hips and boobs which he thinks are gross so no he doesn't." "Do you want me to kill him?" I turn my head to meet his eyes and he doesn't flinch. No one had ever cared that I had been abused. My mom gave her rationalization for staying with him. My dad never asked me about it when he found out and merely avoided my step dad but never said anything to him. My step mom defended his reaction by telling people I was notorious for lying and he didn't want to create conflict over my need for attention. The only people to ever believe me were my case worker, lawyer and the judge and those people disappeared from my life shortly after the case closed. Was someone really defending me? Aching for me? "Do you want me to kill him?" He asks again. "I will." "You'll go back to jail" I reply, testing his authenticity. "It won't be me, I have a couple favors I can call in." "No" I say but it comes out more like a question. "My mom and the kids need him." I say reluctantly but I'm unsure why. I thought I had resolved this issue within myself already. "But what about Rae?" He says, he's concerned about my 3 year old sister. "Do you think he'd touch his own kid?" His body tenses as he asks me . I tell him about the way he looks at her, stupid comments he's made and how I worry and the tears start flowing. He tries his best to comfort me and suddenly starts tickling me. I scream and my hearts starts to race as I thrash wildly trying to escape. He pulls back quickly with a scared look on his face. I lunge at him and start to tickle him back. "It's ok" I tell him, because I want to get over my fear and I want it to be with him. We run around and play until we both fall back onto the bed exhausted. His chest is on top of mine and his head on my shoulder. "I've never been in love" he says into my ear. "Really?" I say unconvinced knowing he has lived with a girlfriend before and dated many women over 18 though he turned 17 after I did. "Really. Girls always fall for me but it's not mutual. I don't think about them when they are away. I only remember them when they are with me. Everything matters more than them. The gang, my boys. They can't have an opinion about my life because it's not their business" "That's kind of mean" I say starting to get irritated at the way he talks about women. Wondering if he thinks the same about me when he asks me my opinion on the decisions he's planning to make. "How? I've never told a girl that I loved her. I mean besides my mom or girls that ask me to say it when we're having sex but they know I don't mean it" My stomach churns at the thought of him saying it to someone, sleeping with someone. I'm about to push him off me when he buries his head into my shoulders and mumbles something. Instantly I get butterflies..."What?" I say as I pull his face to mine. If he said what I think he did I want him to look at me. He pulls back and turns his face into my neck so that only his mouth is exposed. "I'm in love with you" he says. "Why do you sound so sad" I ask "Because you don't love me. You said no when I asked you the other day" "I wasn't going to be the first to say it" I explain, "But I do. Ever since the day on the stairs I've been falling for you" "What? That shit worked!? Man, gotta use that line more often" My jaw drops. "I'm just kidding! I'm Just kidding" He laughs as he grabs my face. "I meant every word, I love you future wife." he says between kisses.
At some point within the first few weeks of knowing him I give him my virginity. I feel so attached to him yet at the same time I feel our time is short and giving that to him feels like the only way to express to him the love I feel for him. Something he will own forever no matter what happens. But he doesn't believe me. He says a real virgin would have waited longer, waited till they were married. It pierces my soul. I gave him the most cherished part of me and he is refusing to claim it. It feels like a thousand pound weight has been placed on my chest making it hard to breathe whenever I look at him so I stay home for a few days. He texts me every night saying he misses me, that everywhere he goes he wishes he was home with me instead. I start to cave. I tell him I'll come over when he gets home. I am getting ready to go to his house when my mom comes upstairs with my laundry. "Jonathan is outside his house talking to a girl, did you guys break up?" she asks "No" I say non-chalantly. "Oh he'll probably tell you when you go over" I hope so I think and try not to get upset. I will myself not to call Jonathan. He said he would call me when he got home and I don't want to tip him off that I know he's there. Am I really trying to trap him? My phone alerts me of a text before I have time to answer my question. He's home. I walk over there and prepare myself to act like nothing is wrong. I walk in to him working out in his garage. His mom's car is there. "Hi babe" He says and gets up to give me a kiss. "How was your day?" I ask because that's what I would normally do right? I think.."I need to tell you something" he says disrupting my inner dialogue. "What?" I say bracing myself for the worst. "I talked to Jessica today" Jessica is his ex right before me. She is 19 with a car and a place of her own. She wanted to marry him, have him move in and support him. From what I understand his mom and her hated each other and she threatened to file statutory rape if she didn't leave her son alone. "She was leaving Sean's house and saw me helping my mom take the groceries in. She wanted to go to the mall and buy me some clothes but I told her my Fiance was coming over and she'd beat her ass if she saw her here" "Why would you say that?" "What? Wouldn't you beat her ass..pull her out of her car by her hair" He says as it acts it all out punching and kicking an imaginary person he has by the hair. "No, why did you say I was your fiance?" 'Well eventually you'll be and I wanted her to leave me alone. I told her I loved you." "What did she say?" I ask no longer upset yet more than slightly curious. "She started crying. Asking me why it couldn't be her, what made you so different. I told her I didn't deserve a girl like you and I wasn't gonna let you get away. She asked if we could have sex one more time." I stared at him hoping this conversation isn't going to turn into an admission of guilt. "Then I pointed out your mom and say that's her mom she's about to go tell her so you better leave and she left." "Did anything happen?" I ask reluctantly. "No" he says as if I shouldn't have to ask. "Ask my mom she was here the whole time ready to beat her ass for you. She said I would be stupid to let you go." I help them put away groceries but Lisa shoos me away telling me I don't need to do that. She is Jonathan's mom but I love her more than my own. She talks to me with such respect and has a genuine love for me. I can talk to her for hours, and sometimes do.
Once upstairs with Jonathan the mood changes. "How would you feel if I got jumped into *****?" I stand there staring at him. Right now he's part of a stupid clique which is more like a brotherhood. He promised to change the direction his life was going. Now he's asking permission to join a legitimate gang? I am well aware that they are one of the biggest dealers of Meth in our area and that being part of them includes carrying out hit orders. I'm completely dumbfounded. "How could you ask me that? Why would you do that? That's like signing your soul over to the devil? This is against everything we've discussed" I feel that impending sense that he isn't mine to keep again. "I know babe, but they are saying if we all don't get jumped in we're gonna have to disassemble our clique or they will green light us" Kill them? Kill them because they claim a stupid name they made up in a garage? Really? "Then disassemble it, they can't keep you from being friends. Don't you see? This is your way out of this with no blood on your hands" "How can you say that!?" He shouts in disgust. "These are my brothers! They are my family, they are all I have!" " You have your mom!" I shout back. "I would kill to have that" "You don't understand, you're the fucking Brady Brunch!" He says but what I hear is you and your problems pale in comparison to mine. I feel it bubbling up, words, horrible words that are gonna ruin everything. In my head I'm kissing him, crying, telling him I love him but that if he chooses to do that I will have to walk away. Instead I'm screaming "Fuck you! Fuck your clique! Fuck ****** they are all a bunch of heartless demon pieces of shit!" I can almost swear I can see his eyes turn red, then it comes a slap across the face. MY face. His hand print is forming on my cheek, I can feel it. It feels as if it's being seared into my skin. It feels as if time stands still because I am able to replay the situation over and over in my head.
Suddenly it's not Jonathan hitting me it's my mom. I'm about 5 or 6 and in my pj's still. A flimsy striped nightgown my grandmother sewed for me. I am curled up in a ball on my bed. She is alternating between her hand, a wooden spoon, a belt buckle, and a wire hanger. I can feel each welt puffing out of my skin. I am trying hard not to cry, I hate when she makes me cry. I try to imagine being somewhere else. She is sobbing and screaming as she hits me but I don't know what I did. Then she stops and leaves and comes back with sweat pants, a turtle neck and a sweatshirt. It's the middle of summer and we are suffering from an earthquake inducing heatwave. She softly changes my clothes. Wiping the tears from my face. Trying to hug me, which causes my welts to sting. She tells me everything is ok, we will make things better. I am so confused. She keeps hugging me and crying, saying my name. The sound of her voice saying my name blends into a man's voice.
Now it's Jonathan saying my name through sobs. I am curled up on his bed in a fetal position. I don't know how I got here, we were by the bedroom door. He is shaking me by the shoulders. I watch him for awhile then ask him "What do you want?" very smartly . "What happened?" he asks me, you can hear in his voice he is terrified. I just stare at him. "You..you.." He's stuttering as he searches for the right words. "You went away, you weren't here. You just crawled onto the bed and rocked and cried. WHERE DID YOU GO!" He screams on the verge of tears. "That was horrible, it was like your body was here but YOU weren't. It scared the fuck outta me. I was gonna call 911. I didn't know what to do." Serves him right I think. I want to get up and storm away. To leave him here alone with the memory of what he did to me. I want to run away and never see him again, but my body is drained from crying. I heard a sob. I've never seen a man cry. Not like he is. His shoulders bounce as he silently cries between gasps. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that. I don't know what came over me. Just leave. Leave me here. I'll never be good enough. I'll never be what you deserve." I start to comfort him, I don't know why. I just want to fix him, help him, give him love, fill a void...live up to the image he has created of me. I stay, I tell him about my memory, we make up and he walks me home. As he kisses me goodnight I hold him a little longer. He notices, "Everything ok?" he asks. "Yes" I say staring intently into his eyes. Although there is a completely different answer running through my mind. You aren't mine to keep, I think, as I watch him walk away.
*Originally written January 5th 2012
It's evening and I am cuddled up with Jonathan on his bed. We just got done watching What Dreams May Come. We are talking about our childhoods, things we hate, things we want to accomplish. "I hate being tickled" I say "What?" "I hate it. It makes me feel like someone is raping me" "That's weird. Have you ever been raped?" "No but my step dad used to touch me" I say. "What? Like how?" he looks at me with a puzzled look on his face. "He would put his hands under my clothes or try and show me his thing, draw me pictures of it" I say as my eyes fill with tears "Does your mom know? Does he still touch you?" "Yeah she knew but it didn't matter. He stopped. The court took us away and now I have hips and boobs which he thinks are gross so no he doesn't." "Do you want me to kill him?" I turn my head to meet his eyes and he doesn't flinch. No one had ever cared that I had been abused. My mom gave her rationalization for staying with him. My dad never asked me about it when he found out and merely avoided my step dad but never said anything to him. My step mom defended his reaction by telling people I was notorious for lying and he didn't want to create conflict over my need for attention. The only people to ever believe me were my case worker, lawyer and the judge and those people disappeared from my life shortly after the case closed. Was someone really defending me? Aching for me? "Do you want me to kill him?" He asks again. "I will." "You'll go back to jail" I reply, testing his authenticity. "It won't be me, I have a couple favors I can call in." "No" I say but it comes out more like a question. "My mom and the kids need him." I say reluctantly but I'm unsure why. I thought I had resolved this issue within myself already. "But what about Rae?" He says, he's concerned about my 3 year old sister. "Do you think he'd touch his own kid?" His body tenses as he asks me . I tell him about the way he looks at her, stupid comments he's made and how I worry and the tears start flowing. He tries his best to comfort me and suddenly starts tickling me. I scream and my hearts starts to race as I thrash wildly trying to escape. He pulls back quickly with a scared look on his face. I lunge at him and start to tickle him back. "It's ok" I tell him, because I want to get over my fear and I want it to be with him. We run around and play until we both fall back onto the bed exhausted. His chest is on top of mine and his head on my shoulder. "I've never been in love" he says into my ear. "Really?" I say unconvinced knowing he has lived with a girlfriend before and dated many women over 18 though he turned 17 after I did. "Really. Girls always fall for me but it's not mutual. I don't think about them when they are away. I only remember them when they are with me. Everything matters more than them. The gang, my boys. They can't have an opinion about my life because it's not their business" "That's kind of mean" I say starting to get irritated at the way he talks about women. Wondering if he thinks the same about me when he asks me my opinion on the decisions he's planning to make. "How? I've never told a girl that I loved her. I mean besides my mom or girls that ask me to say it when we're having sex but they know I don't mean it" My stomach churns at the thought of him saying it to someone, sleeping with someone. I'm about to push him off me when he buries his head into my shoulders and mumbles something. Instantly I get butterflies..."What?" I say as I pull his face to mine. If he said what I think he did I want him to look at me. He pulls back and turns his face into my neck so that only his mouth is exposed. "I'm in love with you" he says. "Why do you sound so sad" I ask "Because you don't love me. You said no when I asked you the other day" "I wasn't going to be the first to say it" I explain, "But I do. Ever since the day on the stairs I've been falling for you" "What? That shit worked!? Man, gotta use that line more often" My jaw drops. "I'm just kidding! I'm Just kidding" He laughs as he grabs my face. "I meant every word, I love you future wife." he says between kisses.
At some point within the first few weeks of knowing him I give him my virginity. I feel so attached to him yet at the same time I feel our time is short and giving that to him feels like the only way to express to him the love I feel for him. Something he will own forever no matter what happens. But he doesn't believe me. He says a real virgin would have waited longer, waited till they were married. It pierces my soul. I gave him the most cherished part of me and he is refusing to claim it. It feels like a thousand pound weight has been placed on my chest making it hard to breathe whenever I look at him so I stay home for a few days. He texts me every night saying he misses me, that everywhere he goes he wishes he was home with me instead. I start to cave. I tell him I'll come over when he gets home. I am getting ready to go to his house when my mom comes upstairs with my laundry. "Jonathan is outside his house talking to a girl, did you guys break up?" she asks "No" I say non-chalantly. "Oh he'll probably tell you when you go over" I hope so I think and try not to get upset. I will myself not to call Jonathan. He said he would call me when he got home and I don't want to tip him off that I know he's there. Am I really trying to trap him? My phone alerts me of a text before I have time to answer my question. He's home. I walk over there and prepare myself to act like nothing is wrong. I walk in to him working out in his garage. His mom's car is there. "Hi babe" He says and gets up to give me a kiss. "How was your day?" I ask because that's what I would normally do right? I think.."I need to tell you something" he says disrupting my inner dialogue. "What?" I say bracing myself for the worst. "I talked to Jessica today" Jessica is his ex right before me. She is 19 with a car and a place of her own. She wanted to marry him, have him move in and support him. From what I understand his mom and her hated each other and she threatened to file statutory rape if she didn't leave her son alone. "She was leaving Sean's house and saw me helping my mom take the groceries in. She wanted to go to the mall and buy me some clothes but I told her my Fiance was coming over and she'd beat her ass if she saw her here" "Why would you say that?" "What? Wouldn't you beat her ass..pull her out of her car by her hair" He says as it acts it all out punching and kicking an imaginary person he has by the hair. "No, why did you say I was your fiance?" 'Well eventually you'll be and I wanted her to leave me alone. I told her I loved you." "What did she say?" I ask no longer upset yet more than slightly curious. "She started crying. Asking me why it couldn't be her, what made you so different. I told her I didn't deserve a girl like you and I wasn't gonna let you get away. She asked if we could have sex one more time." I stared at him hoping this conversation isn't going to turn into an admission of guilt. "Then I pointed out your mom and say that's her mom she's about to go tell her so you better leave and she left." "Did anything happen?" I ask reluctantly. "No" he says as if I shouldn't have to ask. "Ask my mom she was here the whole time ready to beat her ass for you. She said I would be stupid to let you go." I help them put away groceries but Lisa shoos me away telling me I don't need to do that. She is Jonathan's mom but I love her more than my own. She talks to me with such respect and has a genuine love for me. I can talk to her for hours, and sometimes do.
Once upstairs with Jonathan the mood changes. "How would you feel if I got jumped into *****?" I stand there staring at him. Right now he's part of a stupid clique which is more like a brotherhood. He promised to change the direction his life was going. Now he's asking permission to join a legitimate gang? I am well aware that they are one of the biggest dealers of Meth in our area and that being part of them includes carrying out hit orders. I'm completely dumbfounded. "How could you ask me that? Why would you do that? That's like signing your soul over to the devil? This is against everything we've discussed" I feel that impending sense that he isn't mine to keep again. "I know babe, but they are saying if we all don't get jumped in we're gonna have to disassemble our clique or they will green light us" Kill them? Kill them because they claim a stupid name they made up in a garage? Really? "Then disassemble it, they can't keep you from being friends. Don't you see? This is your way out of this with no blood on your hands" "How can you say that!?" He shouts in disgust. "These are my brothers! They are my family, they are all I have!" " You have your mom!" I shout back. "I would kill to have that" "You don't understand, you're the fucking Brady Brunch!" He says but what I hear is you and your problems pale in comparison to mine. I feel it bubbling up, words, horrible words that are gonna ruin everything. In my head I'm kissing him, crying, telling him I love him but that if he chooses to do that I will have to walk away. Instead I'm screaming "Fuck you! Fuck your clique! Fuck ****** they are all a bunch of heartless demon pieces of shit!" I can almost swear I can see his eyes turn red, then it comes a slap across the face. MY face. His hand print is forming on my cheek, I can feel it. It feels as if it's being seared into my skin. It feels as if time stands still because I am able to replay the situation over and over in my head.
Suddenly it's not Jonathan hitting me it's my mom. I'm about 5 or 6 and in my pj's still. A flimsy striped nightgown my grandmother sewed for me. I am curled up in a ball on my bed. She is alternating between her hand, a wooden spoon, a belt buckle, and a wire hanger. I can feel each welt puffing out of my skin. I am trying hard not to cry, I hate when she makes me cry. I try to imagine being somewhere else. She is sobbing and screaming as she hits me but I don't know what I did. Then she stops and leaves and comes back with sweat pants, a turtle neck and a sweatshirt. It's the middle of summer and we are suffering from an earthquake inducing heatwave. She softly changes my clothes. Wiping the tears from my face. Trying to hug me, which causes my welts to sting. She tells me everything is ok, we will make things better. I am so confused. She keeps hugging me and crying, saying my name. The sound of her voice saying my name blends into a man's voice.
Now it's Jonathan saying my name through sobs. I am curled up on his bed in a fetal position. I don't know how I got here, we were by the bedroom door. He is shaking me by the shoulders. I watch him for awhile then ask him "What do you want?" very smartly . "What happened?" he asks me, you can hear in his voice he is terrified. I just stare at him. "You..you.." He's stuttering as he searches for the right words. "You went away, you weren't here. You just crawled onto the bed and rocked and cried. WHERE DID YOU GO!" He screams on the verge of tears. "That was horrible, it was like your body was here but YOU weren't. It scared the fuck outta me. I was gonna call 911. I didn't know what to do." Serves him right I think. I want to get up and storm away. To leave him here alone with the memory of what he did to me. I want to run away and never see him again, but my body is drained from crying. I heard a sob. I've never seen a man cry. Not like he is. His shoulders bounce as he silently cries between gasps. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that. I don't know what came over me. Just leave. Leave me here. I'll never be good enough. I'll never be what you deserve." I start to comfort him, I don't know why. I just want to fix him, help him, give him love, fill a void...live up to the image he has created of me. I stay, I tell him about my memory, we make up and he walks me home. As he kisses me goodnight I hold him a little longer. He notices, "Everything ok?" he asks. "Yes" I say staring intently into his eyes. Although there is a completely different answer running through my mind. You aren't mine to keep, I think, as I watch him walk away.
*Originally written January 5th 2012
Forbidden Fruit
It was a warm day shortly after my 17th birthday. I had been living with my mom, step-dad and their two children for about 3 months or so. I missed my friends. I had gotten ahold of many of them and finagled my way into being able to actually take the train down to visit them once in awhile. But it was obvious their circles were growing tighter and I was being squeezed out. All the talks of senior projects and activities and plans for college went on around me. The world, it seemed, was shifting seasons without me. I was lonely and depressed. Even my mother was noticing. She was constantly telling me to get out of the house and get some air, make some friends. Partially for my own well being and partially because she knew how much my step-father detested me. I knew what a monster he was and he hated it. He also hated that when he tried to hit my mom or my 6 year old brother I was always there to hit him back. Everyday when he got home he would tell me how many days I had till I was out of his house. "The day you turn 18 I'm gonna take you and all your stuff and dump you off in the middle of no where to fend for yourself. Then we'll see what a tough bitch you are" "I can't wait till you're 18. Let's see if you hit me then cuz I'll beat the shit outta ya, then we'll see what a tough bitch you are" That was his favorite thing to talk about, all the ways he was going to prove how weak I truly was once I turned 18.
I wasn't in the mood to go outside that day but I was less in the mood for an argument and my brother had been gone for hours and no one seemed concerned. I found my brother in the community laundry room with another little boy. I sat there daring them to do random stuff till his mother showed up. I heard her before I saw her "Let's go Christopher!!" She ran into me as she turned the corner. She pepped right up. A woman about 5'6" with weathered olive toned skin, jet black hair down past her waist and ragged looking toes. "Sorry is he bothering you?" I didn't have time to answer "oh he made a friend! Hi" she says in the direction of my brother. "Oh my gosh Christopher has a sister! How old are you? My daughter's age? I have a daughter she's at home. Wanna come meet her? You're probably the same age. How old are you again? Did you tell me already?" I'm in awe of how quickly the words tumble out of her mouth like vomit. She grabs me by the hand and leads me to her apartment across the street faster than I can decline the offer. She invites me in and telling me all about her heritage as a Native American and all it's financial perks while intermittently asking me questions about myself and calling for her daughter to come down the stairs. She comes stomping down the stairs telling her mother to "shut the fuck up!" I had never seen her around before. She had carrot colored hair as long as her mothers, big doe eyes, porcelain skin, makeup that seemed to naturally flow out of her pores, the tiniest frame...and a baby on her hip. "Oh you brought someone over? Why didn't you tell me? I have plans!!!!" She pouts to her mom. "She's new, she doesn't have friends. I thought maybe you introduce her to the neighbors before you leave? " She turns to me. "Hi I'm Sarah. Don't mind my mom she's such a bitch sometimes. And she always bringing random people over for me to make friends with like I don't have enough already" I am taken aback by her lack of tact and disrespect. "Anyway I have plans but come on I'll introduce you" I follow her outside. Even with a baby in her arms she intimidates me. She is nothing like my Sunday school friends back home. She is a couple months older than me but carries herself with the confidence of a woman. She can sense my naivety because the first words out of her mouth are "are you a virgin?" I answer yes with pride only to be deflated by her scoff "that won't last long". We walk about 2 doors down to some guys sitting on lawn chairs smoking cigarettes. Suddenly everything slows done & all I can see is him. Shaved head, goatee, wife-beater, grey sweats and blue house shoes and eyes that are piercing yet sweet. I have never seen anyone like him before, at least not outside of a movie. I'm in a complete daze while they talk.
Until he nods his head at me. "who's the new girl?" he asks Sarah. "Oh yeah. Emily this is Jonathan and his brother Andrew. Jonathan, Andrew this is Emily...she's a virgin" For some reason I'm completely mortified. "No shit!? You're missing out" Says Andrew. "What the fuck? You some kind of church person or something?" Jonathan asks. "Yes" "Like your family prays? You like have Sunday dinner together and shit?" I tell them all about my home life at my dad's and how I was raised. They tell me about gangs and drugs and "getting caught up". Which I learn means doing time, and how Jonathan was just released 2 weeks prior. Funny thing is as much as I think they are abnormal they think the same of me. They are Blood In Blood Out and I am the Brady Bunch. I am instantly coined "the virgin" and everyone tries to curb their tongue around me. Over the next few days I spend every waking moment at their house. When I'm alone with Jonathan he talks normal and has a better vocabulary than most people I know. He's actually very intelligent and extremely book smart. He tells me about what he understood of the bible while he was in jail and says he prayed while he was in there. He prayed that God would send him a good Christian girl that would help him change his ways. That he asked his mom to pray for the same thing. He said he would know when she came because she would be a virgin. With every word his hook sinks deeper into me. Over the next few days I meet all the members of their "clique".I am drawn like a moth to a flame to the adrenaline rush they bring me. Sarah always shows up whenever I'm over but I've learned her and her mother are meth addicts and I keep my distance. Besides it feels more as if she is there to claim her territory rather than be my friend. Jonathan says to watch my back with her and I don't bother to ask why.
One day while I'm over they throw a kick back. Over the music no one hears the garage door and when his mom walks in she blows up. While yelling at all the cholos and half dressed girls "to get the fuck out" of her house she starts dialing the police station. I am frozen as everyone makes a run for it. I've never been met her before. She looks Hawaiian with long burgundy hair, a perfect white smile and perfectly manicured hands and feet. She looks at me then looks at Jonathan "is this the girl?" she asks him, he nods."No one is allowed in my house anymore do you understand? Except her" My confusion must have been all over my face because she smiles at me " I'm Lisa, I like you. You're a good influence on my son." Then she goes upstairs to her room.
We go upstairs to watch a movie with his brothers. Halfway through I offer to get everyone a drink and make my way downstairs. That's when it happened, the moment I fell for him. I was on the second step when I heard Jonathan's voice behind me. "You're gonna be my wife" "What?" I say though I've heard him clearly. " I'm going to marry you. I'm going to buy you a big house then make you my wife. And you're gonna give me lots of babies" I'm walking ahead of him and he can't see my face. Thank God because I'm smiling ear to ear. "Ummm..yeah?.no" I say but I believe it. "Playing hard to get, I like it. But you better keep it up when other guys try to hit on you" "Huh?" I say as I turn around. I'm on the floor and he's on the second to last step. He grabs my face and kisses me. "You're mine now ok?...OK?" I nod my head yes. "Now get me my drink woman!" He says playfully before he slaps my butt and runs back up the stairs. I pour the drinks with the biggest smile on my face and butterflies running rampant in my stomach and I know. I am completely smitten.
*Originally written January 4th 2012
I wasn't in the mood to go outside that day but I was less in the mood for an argument and my brother had been gone for hours and no one seemed concerned. I found my brother in the community laundry room with another little boy. I sat there daring them to do random stuff till his mother showed up. I heard her before I saw her "Let's go Christopher!!" She ran into me as she turned the corner. She pepped right up. A woman about 5'6" with weathered olive toned skin, jet black hair down past her waist and ragged looking toes. "Sorry is he bothering you?" I didn't have time to answer "oh he made a friend! Hi" she says in the direction of my brother. "Oh my gosh Christopher has a sister! How old are you? My daughter's age? I have a daughter she's at home. Wanna come meet her? You're probably the same age. How old are you again? Did you tell me already?" I'm in awe of how quickly the words tumble out of her mouth like vomit. She grabs me by the hand and leads me to her apartment across the street faster than I can decline the offer. She invites me in and telling me all about her heritage as a Native American and all it's financial perks while intermittently asking me questions about myself and calling for her daughter to come down the stairs. She comes stomping down the stairs telling her mother to "shut the fuck up!" I had never seen her around before. She had carrot colored hair as long as her mothers, big doe eyes, porcelain skin, makeup that seemed to naturally flow out of her pores, the tiniest frame...and a baby on her hip. "Oh you brought someone over? Why didn't you tell me? I have plans!!!!" She pouts to her mom. "She's new, she doesn't have friends. I thought maybe you introduce her to the neighbors before you leave? " She turns to me. "Hi I'm Sarah. Don't mind my mom she's such a bitch sometimes. And she always bringing random people over for me to make friends with like I don't have enough already" I am taken aback by her lack of tact and disrespect. "Anyway I have plans but come on I'll introduce you" I follow her outside. Even with a baby in her arms she intimidates me. She is nothing like my Sunday school friends back home. She is a couple months older than me but carries herself with the confidence of a woman. She can sense my naivety because the first words out of her mouth are "are you a virgin?" I answer yes with pride only to be deflated by her scoff "that won't last long". We walk about 2 doors down to some guys sitting on lawn chairs smoking cigarettes. Suddenly everything slows done & all I can see is him. Shaved head, goatee, wife-beater, grey sweats and blue house shoes and eyes that are piercing yet sweet. I have never seen anyone like him before, at least not outside of a movie. I'm in a complete daze while they talk.
Until he nods his head at me. "who's the new girl?" he asks Sarah. "Oh yeah. Emily this is Jonathan and his brother Andrew. Jonathan, Andrew this is Emily...she's a virgin" For some reason I'm completely mortified. "No shit!? You're missing out" Says Andrew. "What the fuck? You some kind of church person or something?" Jonathan asks. "Yes" "Like your family prays? You like have Sunday dinner together and shit?" I tell them all about my home life at my dad's and how I was raised. They tell me about gangs and drugs and "getting caught up". Which I learn means doing time, and how Jonathan was just released 2 weeks prior. Funny thing is as much as I think they are abnormal they think the same of me. They are Blood In Blood Out and I am the Brady Bunch. I am instantly coined "the virgin" and everyone tries to curb their tongue around me. Over the next few days I spend every waking moment at their house. When I'm alone with Jonathan he talks normal and has a better vocabulary than most people I know. He's actually very intelligent and extremely book smart. He tells me about what he understood of the bible while he was in jail and says he prayed while he was in there. He prayed that God would send him a good Christian girl that would help him change his ways. That he asked his mom to pray for the same thing. He said he would know when she came because she would be a virgin. With every word his hook sinks deeper into me. Over the next few days I meet all the members of their "clique".I am drawn like a moth to a flame to the adrenaline rush they bring me. Sarah always shows up whenever I'm over but I've learned her and her mother are meth addicts and I keep my distance. Besides it feels more as if she is there to claim her territory rather than be my friend. Jonathan says to watch my back with her and I don't bother to ask why.
One day while I'm over they throw a kick back. Over the music no one hears the garage door and when his mom walks in she blows up. While yelling at all the cholos and half dressed girls "to get the fuck out" of her house she starts dialing the police station. I am frozen as everyone makes a run for it. I've never been met her before. She looks Hawaiian with long burgundy hair, a perfect white smile and perfectly manicured hands and feet. She looks at me then looks at Jonathan "is this the girl?" she asks him, he nods."No one is allowed in my house anymore do you understand? Except her" My confusion must have been all over my face because she smiles at me " I'm Lisa, I like you. You're a good influence on my son." Then she goes upstairs to her room.
We go upstairs to watch a movie with his brothers. Halfway through I offer to get everyone a drink and make my way downstairs. That's when it happened, the moment I fell for him. I was on the second step when I heard Jonathan's voice behind me. "You're gonna be my wife" "What?" I say though I've heard him clearly. " I'm going to marry you. I'm going to buy you a big house then make you my wife. And you're gonna give me lots of babies" I'm walking ahead of him and he can't see my face. Thank God because I'm smiling ear to ear. "Ummm..yeah?.no" I say but I believe it. "Playing hard to get, I like it. But you better keep it up when other guys try to hit on you" "Huh?" I say as I turn around. I'm on the floor and he's on the second to last step. He grabs my face and kisses me. "You're mine now ok?...OK?" I nod my head yes. "Now get me my drink woman!" He says playfully before he slaps my butt and runs back up the stairs. I pour the drinks with the biggest smile on my face and butterflies running rampant in my stomach and I know. I am completely smitten.
*Originally written January 4th 2012
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