The next two weeks are a whirlwind. I cannot untie one memory from another, they are all intertwined and I cannot unravel them try as I may. I cannot for the life of me remember the order in which it all happened. Maybe it's shame that prevents it or maybe this is where I broke. Whatever it is, it causes these memories to be vivid yet play in my head as if it were one continuous day. I remember my mom getting upset at the time I spent with Jonathan. Upset that I was not attending my one class a week for fear that he might get into trouble while I was away. Upset that my life revolved around him. Upset that I stopped visiting my friends on the weekends. I did not care and she did nothing, outside of a few comments, to stop me.
It's evening and I am cuddled up with Jonathan on his bed. We just got done watching What Dreams May Come. We are talking about our childhoods, things we hate, things we want to accomplish. "I hate being tickled" I say "What?" "I hate it. It makes me feel like someone is raping me" "That's weird. Have you ever been raped?" "No but my step dad used to touch me" I say. "What? Like how?" he looks at me with a puzzled look on his face. "He would put his hands under my clothes or try and show me his thing, draw me pictures of it" I say as my eyes fill with tears "Does your mom know? Does he still touch you?" "Yeah she knew but it didn't matter. He stopped. The court took us away and now I have hips and boobs which he thinks are gross so no he doesn't." "Do you want me to kill him?" I turn my head to meet his eyes and he doesn't flinch. No one had ever cared that I had been abused. My mom gave her rationalization for staying with him. My dad never asked me about it when he found out and merely avoided my step dad but never said anything to him. My step mom defended his reaction by telling people I was notorious for lying and he didn't want to create conflict over my need for attention. The only people to ever believe me were my case worker, lawyer and the judge and those people disappeared from my life shortly after the case closed. Was someone really defending me? Aching for me? "Do you want me to kill him?" He asks again. "I will." "You'll go back to jail" I reply, testing his authenticity. "It won't be me, I have a couple favors I can call in." "No" I say but it comes out more like a question. "My mom and the kids need him." I say reluctantly but I'm unsure why. I thought I had resolved this issue within myself already. "But what about Rae?" He says, he's concerned about my 3 year old sister. "Do you think he'd touch his own kid?" His body tenses as he asks me . I tell him about the way he looks at her, stupid comments he's made and how I worry and the tears start flowing. He tries his best to comfort me and suddenly starts tickling me. I scream and my hearts starts to race as I thrash wildly trying to escape. He pulls back quickly with a scared look on his face. I lunge at him and start to tickle him back. "It's ok" I tell him, because I want to get over my fear and I want it to be with him. We run around and play until we both fall back onto the bed exhausted. His chest is on top of mine and his head on my shoulder. "I've never been in love" he says into my ear. "Really?" I say unconvinced knowing he has lived with a girlfriend before and dated many women over 18 though he turned 17 after I did. "Really. Girls always fall for me but it's not mutual. I don't think about them when they are away. I only remember them when they are with me. Everything matters more than them. The gang, my boys. They can't have an opinion about my life because it's not their business" "That's kind of mean" I say starting to get irritated at the way he talks about women. Wondering if he thinks the same about me when he asks me my opinion on the decisions he's planning to make. "How? I've never told a girl that I loved her. I mean besides my mom or girls that ask me to say it when we're having sex but they know I don't mean it" My stomach churns at the thought of him saying it to someone, sleeping with someone. I'm about to push him off me when he buries his head into my shoulders and mumbles something. Instantly I get butterflies..."What?" I say as I pull his face to mine. If he said what I think he did I want him to look at me. He pulls back and turns his face into my neck so that only his mouth is exposed. "I'm in love with you" he says. "Why do you sound so sad" I ask "Because you don't love me. You said no when I asked you the other day" "I wasn't going to be the first to say it" I explain, "But I do. Ever since the day on the stairs I've been falling for you" "What? That shit worked!? Man, gotta use that line more often" My jaw drops. "I'm just kidding! I'm Just kidding" He laughs as he grabs my face. "I meant every word, I love you future wife." he says between kisses.
At some point within the first few weeks of knowing him I give him my virginity. I feel so attached to him yet at the same time I feel our time is short and giving that to him feels like the only way to express to him the love I feel for him. Something he will own forever no matter what happens. But he doesn't believe me. He says a real virgin would have waited longer, waited till they were married. It pierces my soul. I gave him the most cherished part of me and he is refusing to claim it. It feels like a thousand pound weight has been placed on my chest making it hard to breathe whenever I look at him so I stay home for a few days. He texts me every night saying he misses me, that everywhere he goes he wishes he was home with me instead. I start to cave. I tell him I'll come over when he gets home. I am getting ready to go to his house when my mom comes upstairs with my laundry. "Jonathan is outside his house talking to a girl, did you guys break up?" she asks "No" I say non-chalantly. "Oh he'll probably tell you when you go over" I hope so I think and try not to get upset. I will myself not to call Jonathan. He said he would call me when he got home and I don't want to tip him off that I know he's there. Am I really trying to trap him? My phone alerts me of a text before I have time to answer my question. He's home. I walk over there and prepare myself to act like nothing is wrong. I walk in to him working out in his garage. His mom's car is there. "Hi babe" He says and gets up to give me a kiss. "How was your day?" I ask because that's what I would normally do right? I think.."I need to tell you something" he says disrupting my inner dialogue. "What?" I say bracing myself for the worst. "I talked to Jessica today" Jessica is his ex right before me. She is 19 with a car and a place of her own. She wanted to marry him, have him move in and support him. From what I understand his mom and her hated each other and she threatened to file statutory rape if she didn't leave her son alone. "She was leaving Sean's house and saw me helping my mom take the groceries in. She wanted to go to the mall and buy me some clothes but I told her my Fiance was coming over and she'd beat her ass if she saw her here" "Why would you say that?" "What? Wouldn't you beat her ass..pull her out of her car by her hair" He says as it acts it all out punching and kicking an imaginary person he has by the hair. "No, why did you say I was your fiance?" 'Well eventually you'll be and I wanted her to leave me alone. I told her I loved you." "What did she say?" I ask no longer upset yet more than slightly curious. "She started crying. Asking me why it couldn't be her, what made you so different. I told her I didn't deserve a girl like you and I wasn't gonna let you get away. She asked if we could have sex one more time." I stared at him hoping this conversation isn't going to turn into an admission of guilt. "Then I pointed out your mom and say that's her mom she's about to go tell her so you better leave and she left." "Did anything happen?" I ask reluctantly. "No" he says as if I shouldn't have to ask. "Ask my mom she was here the whole time ready to beat her ass for you. She said I would be stupid to let you go." I help them put away groceries but Lisa shoos me away telling me I don't need to do that. She is Jonathan's mom but I love her more than my own. She talks to me with such respect and has a genuine love for me. I can talk to her for hours, and sometimes do.
Once upstairs with Jonathan the mood changes. "How would you feel if I got jumped into *****?" I stand there staring at him. Right now he's part of a stupid clique which is more like a brotherhood. He promised to change the direction his life was going. Now he's asking permission to join a legitimate gang? I am well aware that they are one of the biggest dealers of Meth in our area and that being part of them includes carrying out hit orders. I'm completely dumbfounded. "How could you ask me that? Why would you do that? That's like signing your soul over to the devil? This is against everything we've discussed" I feel that impending sense that he isn't mine to keep again. "I know babe, but they are saying if we all don't get jumped in we're gonna have to disassemble our clique or they will green light us" Kill them? Kill them because they claim a stupid name they made up in a garage? Really? "Then disassemble it, they can't keep you from being friends. Don't you see? This is your way out of this with no blood on your hands" "How can you say that!?" He shouts in disgust. "These are my brothers! They are my family, they are all I have!" " You have your mom!" I shout back. "I would kill to have that" "You don't understand, you're the fucking Brady Brunch!" He says but what I hear is you and your problems pale in comparison to mine. I feel it bubbling up, words, horrible words that are gonna ruin everything. In my head I'm kissing him, crying, telling him I love him but that if he chooses to do that I will have to walk away. Instead I'm screaming "Fuck you! Fuck your clique! Fuck ****** they are all a bunch of heartless demon pieces of shit!" I can almost swear I can see his eyes turn red, then it comes a slap across the face. MY face. His hand print is forming on my cheek, I can feel it. It feels as if it's being seared into my skin. It feels as if time stands still because I am able to replay the situation over and over in my head.
Suddenly it's not Jonathan hitting me it's my mom. I'm about 5 or 6 and in my pj's still. A flimsy striped nightgown my grandmother sewed for me. I am curled up in a ball on my bed. She is alternating between her hand, a wooden spoon, a belt buckle, and a wire hanger. I can feel each welt puffing out of my skin. I am trying hard not to cry, I hate when she makes me cry. I try to imagine being somewhere else. She is sobbing and screaming as she hits me but I don't know what I did. Then she stops and leaves and comes back with sweat pants, a turtle neck and a sweatshirt. It's the middle of summer and we are suffering from an earthquake inducing heatwave. She softly changes my clothes. Wiping the tears from my face. Trying to hug me, which causes my welts to sting. She tells me everything is ok, we will make things better. I am so confused. She keeps hugging me and crying, saying my name. The sound of her voice saying my name blends into a man's voice.
Now it's Jonathan saying my name through sobs. I am curled up on his bed in a fetal position. I don't know how I got here, we were by the bedroom door. He is shaking me by the shoulders. I watch him for awhile then ask him "What do you want?" very smartly . "What happened?" he asks me, you can hear in his voice he is terrified. I just stare at him. "You..you.." He's stuttering as he searches for the right words. "You went away, you weren't here. You just crawled onto the bed and rocked and cried. WHERE DID YOU GO!" He screams on the verge of tears. "That was horrible, it was like your body was here but YOU weren't. It scared the fuck outta me. I was gonna call 911. I didn't know what to do." Serves him right I think. I want to get up and storm away. To leave him here alone with the memory of what he did to me. I want to run away and never see him again, but my body is drained from crying. I heard a sob. I've never seen a man cry. Not like he is. His shoulders bounce as he silently cries between gasps. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that. I don't know what came over me. Just leave. Leave me here. I'll never be good enough. I'll never be what you deserve." I start to comfort him, I don't know why. I just want to fix him, help him, give him love, fill a void...live up to the image he has created of me. I stay, I tell him about my memory, we make up and he walks me home. As he kisses me goodnight I hold him a little longer. He notices, "Everything ok?" he asks. "Yes" I say staring intently into his eyes. Although there is a completely different answer running through my mind. You aren't mine to keep, I think, as I watch him walk away.
*Originally written January 5th 2012
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