Betrayal

     I sit awkwardly on the only bed in the room. He still hasn't said much of anything to me. "Thank you" I manage to get out at a little more than a whisper. "Mmmhmmm" He replies. He pulls up a chair from the table in the corner and sits in front of the TV.. he doesn't want to be here. "You can go if you want, I'll be fine." He ignores me. I look for a bible in the drawers and read the story of why they the bibles in hotels. He answers a knock at the door. It's Jorge and Dominic with pizza and a case of beer. I keep my head down because I know I look crazy with smudged makeup and tear streaks. They start telling Jonathan about a mission they are about to go do but he makes them step outside with him. I can no longer be trusted with such precious information. He comes back inside alone. "You can go with them if you want" I say. He looks at me as if I just said I grew a penis while he was outside. He grabs a beer and sits back in the chair. " I already did my work for today." He says, how much it hurts to not be a part of his world anymore, to be an outsider. "Are they coming back?" I ask, eyeing the case and wondering what one person would need with 24 beers. "Why? You want one of 'em to fuck you or something?" Ouch, it's like a spear through my heart how he carries on with me. He polishes off 6 beers in a row and I try to get him to take a bite of pizza but he won't. His mom shows up with some Olive Garden bread sticks and Alfredo dipping sauce. My favorite. She offers to take some of the beers home but he won't let her. She offers to reimburse him and take us both to her house but he says no and tells her harshly to leave. She extends just me the offer but I shake my head no. I've missed him so, I don't want to leave now. Even if he's already belligerently drunk. He turns on some porn, with his back to the TV, sitting backwards in the chair, he just stares at me. He knows how much I hate it. I keep reading the bible in my hands. "Are you a fucking dyke?" He asks me with his head cocked to the side. "What?" I say confused. "Well are you?" "No." "Then why did you leave me?" "Johnny I didn't leave you, you cou..." "Don't call me Johnny I don't know your ass!" This is pointless, I continue reading and he turns to watch the naked girls on the screen.
     After awhile and a couple more beers later, he walks over to me. He grabs me chin with one hand and holds the top of my head still with the other. He points my face to the TV. "Are you a dyke?" He asks me again except it sounds more like an accusation. "NO!" I say without being able to open my jaw to speak. He keeps his grip on my head and jerks it up towards his face. "Then why have you been calling her?" I must look confused because he gets mad and explains. "MONAE! I saw your phone bill. We get into a small argument and you go running back into her arms. Conditional! Your love is CONDITIONAL!" He's shaking my head with every syllable but his grip is so tight I'm scared to resist. "I do love you Johnny, I do." "I said I don't know your ass!" He screams at me while he throws me onto the bed. Much harder than he expected because he looks surprised when I bounce and hit my head on the wall. "I should leave" I say as I get up. He grabs my arm and pulls me toward him. "No, I didn't rent this motel room to jack off to porn." He kisses me, hard, meaningless and full of hate. I'm scared so I kiss him back. He jerks his head back and spits on the ground. "I knew it you're a fucking slut! Virgin my ass, you're probably full of n****r dick . Aren't you! You just can't say no to anybody" "No Jonathan. I just don't know what you want from me. I can't do anything right. I kissed you because I love you." It's the truth but it wasn't my reason. "My love isn't conditional Jonathan, look how you treat me and I've never turned my back on you."
      We both look down at the grip he still has on my arm. When he looks back up at me the rage is back. He shakes me "Look at what you've made me do! YOU! You did this to me, you're so GODDAMN stubborn! I know what's right for you but you can never listen!" I see him cock his hand back and then there's a pause. When his hand comes back into reach the hotel phone receiver is in it. He swing at me with it and I try to get away but land on the bed. "Fucking bitch! Just listen to me!" "What am I supposed to do?" "SSHHUUTT UUPP!" The phone comes back down on my arms that are over my face. This isn't him, I have to fight, the man I love isn't in this room. I thrust my palm into his nose. He winces and drops the phone. I grab it. He grabs the Alfredo sauce and throws it my head but it hits the wall splattering me and the bed. "What the fuck is wrong now? You think you're a bad bitch?" His voice, the look in his eyes, the blood dripping down his face, the menacing way he's cracking his knuckles and cocking his head from side to side. I don't know who this is. I am frightened with nothing but the phone I hold in my hands and no will to dial 911. He lunges for me , knocking me back onto the bed and pins my hands down on either side of my head. He lets the blood from his nose drip down onto my face. He lifts his head and exhales deeply from his nose spraying blood all over the wall, bed and me. He puts his face close to mine again as if he's going to kiss me and then rub his nose up and down my cheek smearing the blood. "I fucked some girl with HIV cuz I wanted to die." He says then lets go of my wrists and walks to the bathroom. I should be scared but I don't believe him. I hear the shower turn on and I know I'm free to go.
     I look in the mirror and see a puffy eyed, blood streaked, crazy haired girl who looks more like a drugged up prostitute than a 17 year old child. LEAVE! I tell myself in the mirror. Go home. Go anywhere. Ask Lisa to take you to dad's. I hear him crying in the shower. I can't leave him. I love him so much more than I love myself. I walk into the bathroom naked and get in. I clean him up, hold him as he cries. We have sex. But it feels like just that. The shift in our world didn't happen. I try to get him to look me in the eyes but he refuses, shaking his head no. "Just go Emily. I have nothing to give you, nothing to offer. You deserve it all." "No" I protest. "You're enough I swear!" "No Emily. It's not just you. I deserve better too. You're toxic for ME. You make me madder than I've ever been. I can't control myself. You need to go." Naked, wet, cold, I could not have picked a worse time for my world to crash in around me and need to save face at the same time. I get out, dry off, get dressed and walk the freezing 5am streets till I know my step dad will be at work. I go to my moms walk to my brother and sister's room and fall asleep. The closest thing to death and I peace I can feel.