That day consisted of a lot of screaming. Unlike the other times a lot of it was directed at me. Disappointment. How could I betray her trust? How could I allow them to corrupt me? How could I not be ashamed to be this version of myself infront of my sister? How could I forget that I knew better? Jonathan tried to shield me but I wanted to hear it. It was like someone screaming at me that I still mattered, I still had a chance, I could get out of this rabbit hole I had fallen into. SHE was the one woman on this earth that could understand how toxic it was for me to love her son and how much it hurt to not be able to be his savior. I wasn't allowed to spend the night anymore. She finally brought up the subject of my virginity and, once again, her disappointment in me. That I gave it away so quickly and to someone like her son who could not appreciate that gift for what it was. She wanted to know how I didn't feel betrayed, robbed, disrespected by him claiming I wasn't a virgin when I had held onto it for someone special, even after being with Aaron for so long. How could I be dumb enough to not be on my birth control. What if God forbid I had a child, brought them into this mess? How could she afford another mouth to feed all alone? How is that me not condoning Jonathan slanging meth? Part of me felt thankful that someone was recognizing my pain and another felt stabbed in the back that she was privy not just to the personal information I had given her but that she had also been her son's confidant and neither had mentioned it to me. She asked me why I quit school. How did I expect to motivate Jonathan to change if I was the only one doing the changing? It wasn't all one sided. She screamed at the boys, especially Jonathan. Although he was the middle child she had told me he had the spirit of the oldest and the other two followed his lead so she always addressed him as such. I usually was in a different room or at home when they fought so what took place before my eyes was completely foreign to me. She yelled at him and he said nothing, but as she continued I saw him snap. The way he did with me. He began to scream back. Accusing her of being a whore, a slut. That she wasn't at a woman's retreat, that she was with her n*****r boyfriend. That she hid it so her boys wouldn't kill him but that they were the ones who had slit his tires. That he found the pictures of him in her room next to her dildo. She slapped him across and he puffed up like he was going to hit her. That's when Andrew and Brett stopped him. Lisa grabbed Brett and they left. Andrew and Jonathan still fighting. I just stood there confused. I had never heard him speak to her that way. I had never heard him be so racist. I turned around and walked down the stairs and out the door. Jonathan followed me and I told him I wanted to be alone. He grabbed my arm and spun me around. I looked at him accusingly with tears streaming down my face. "It all makes sense now. Why she talks like she's given up. Why she tells me to just walk away. You don't respect women, you can't even respect your mom. She's a single mom with 3 boys who give her hell and you can't even be kind." "She's never been there for me! You don't know shit! All I have are my brothers, it's ****** baby!" He throws up his gang sign at me, which is worse than him flipping me off. I just laugh and walk away. I do know that despite what he thinks he stands for he has no clue about respect or loyalty. And I know despite what I thought we aren't on the same team.
*Originally written January 9th 2012
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