**Mind Games**

    I hate small spaces and I hate being restrained. I REALLY REALLY hate them. When I was in high school one of my best guy friends used to pin me against the wall, feet on top of mine, elbows pinning my arms and hands enclosing my face and his. "You're in a box Em's, you're in a box and you can't get out." I would hyperventilate and panic until he dies laughing and I would laugh it off but really I completely hated it. I hated feeling stuck, forced, trapped but ironically where would I go when I couldn't deal with reality? Under a bed, in a small closet, under my blankets. Hiding.
    I'm probably around 7. I'm at my dad's new condo. And SHE's here. My dad's new girlfriend. He is cooking breakfast and going on and on about how much she just LOOOOVVES children and how she is going to be a child psycologist yada yada yada. I can barely pay attention to anything besides their random makeout sessions. "Why does she have to be here?" I ask pushing my eggs around. "Emily that's rude." "It's rude to makeout in front of people's kids." I smartly reply. "Go to your room" It's not a room it's a loft I think but I know I'm pushing it. "Tell me why you can't just spend time with us by yourself and see her when we're not here." I'm whining. "Go to your room!" he barks at me. "Why? I just asked you a question." I know I am right. "Because I said so" "Because is not an answer" I tell him, he says that to me all the time. "Now!" I stomp up the stairs. I look down to them eating breakfast together and my sister making them laugh. "Traitor" I say under my breath. Suddenly I can't breathe, I want to go home. I want to know what to expect, I hate it here I don't understand it. I crawl into a space in wall, a place to store cables I think. I can only fit if I curl up into a ball. I sit in there and cry and cry. I start to fall asleep and then I hear them on the other side calling for me, I find a latch on the inside and lock it. My dad tells me to come out so we can go to church. Church? What? We're Jehovah's Witnesses, what is he talking about. "NOOO" I scream He pounds on the door and screams at me to come out now. I hear his girlfriend talking and a shuffling outside of the door. I hear her outside the door. It's low to the ground and I can picture her on the other side stooped "down to my level" like a "good psychologist". "Emily I understand this is all new to you and it's probably too much to handle at once but you're really hurting your daddy's feelings." "what about mine?" "Emily it isn't nice to always think of yourself, your dad does a lot for you girls." "He's never around, only my mom is." "Well from what I understand your mom is not the best mom." Child psychologist my ass! "You shouldn't talk bad about people's parents it makes them HATE you." "Are you in the closet because that's where your mom would put you?" How could he tell her about that? That's not her business. For whatever reason I feel the need to protect my mom from this..this outsider, this intruder into our world. I get myself out. "See, there you go" SHE says. "I want to go home" "Emily your dad..." "My dad is dead" I say and this time it's true... to me.

*Originally written January 12th 2012