At the age of 17 I had only had one experience of being drunk and it was horrible but I had encountered alcohol multiple times with no problem and being high was like being me without regret. I had never, though, experienced both at the same time. And in hindsight a party was probably not the best place to test these waters, but that was how it happened.
I woke up in the late afternoon, while watching TV in my mom's living room there was a knock at the door. It was Sarah's mom and she was standing there wide eyes, ear to ear grin holding a white Styrofoam cup. "Drink this" she says shoving it in my face. I grab it and eye the electric yellow liquid slush in the cup skeptically. "It's a margarita, taste it tell me if I did a good job" I drink some "it's too tart, not enough alcohol either" She says OK, spins around on the ball of her foot and leaves, her long hair trailing behind her. I finish the drink. She comes back at least 5 more times. More ice, less ice, more mix, less mix, more alcohol, less alcohol. Each time I am left with a glass and I finish it. Once I tell her it's fine she invites me to a party at her house for Sarah's daughter later in the evening, I say OK. I head over to Jonathan's and they are already smoking. I tell him about the party and he tells me Sarah came over and invited him already and jokes he was gonna go without me. We smoke and get ready.
Once we get there I can tell Sarah doesn't really want me there but I don't care. Even though it's a party for a one year old there is no one under the age of 17 and everyone is drunk, smoking or upstairs doing something far worse. I stay in the kitchen helping her crazy mom and listening to her stories. Every drink she makes I try and Jonathan knows I'm drunk when I grab his beer out of his hand and chug it. He tells me to sit down but I run away laughing. This guy asks me to dance and even though no else is I start to in the middle of the room. Jonathan shakes his head at me and goes outside to smoke. I see Sarah follow him. "Hell No!" Is what goes through my head. I walk out to Sarah standing dangerously close to him and him saying "I already got a girl." "But she doesn't know what she has." says Sarah coyly. I clear my throat and Sarah jumps but doesn't move an inch. Jonathan grabs me and purposely kisses me extra long simultaneously moving me in between them. "I was just telling Johnny how you guys owe me for introducing you two." I want to jump out of my skin and beat her ass, I'm the only one he allows to call him that and she knows it. "Jonathan" he corrects her. That stung her, I can see it in her eyes, she turns and walks back inside. "Stop leaving me alone, it's getting hard to fight off these bitches." He jokes and tries to grab my hand but it's clenched in a fist. "Ya Calmate" he tells me. My blood is boiling but it's time for cake. I eat some and start doing shots. I see that Sarah has taken the seat closest to Jonathan and I down them faster. It's time for presents and Sarah plops her skinny ass next to Jonathan on the couch. I sit on the other side of him, he whispers in my ear to switch seats with him I do and Sarah moves to the other side of him. She opens the presents and I keep drinking Jonathan's beers. Once the presents are over she places her hand on Jonathan's leg and says RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE "She's drunk Johnny she won't remember." He says "I won't smack a bitch but she will" And with that I lunge for her but Jonathan is quicker than I am and as quickly as I fly across his lap he has me over his shoulder. "Give me that fucking bitch! I'll tear your ass up!" I scream as I kick and punch while he's hauling my ass to the bathroom. Jonathan sets me down on the toilet and I immediately shove him into the wall and run for the door. I am screaming every obscenity in the book. Jonathan hooks his arm around my waist and braces himself by grabbing the edge of the sink with his other hand. "Let me take you home" He pleads. "No! I'm gonna kill her!" "I know you will, that's why we need to go home." Sarah opens the bathroom door "Do you need me to help you carry her home?" "BIIIITTTCCHH!" I scream but Jonathan has thrown me on the ground and is sitting on me. "Don't you understand where you're not fucking wanted?!" he yells at her. "Drunk or not Johnny I'll kick her ass, please let me go" "I know" he says but I'm so enraged and so drunk I've started sobbing. His brother and friend Shawn keep Sarah upstairs and I agree to go home but as soon as Jonathan open his front door I bolt back for Sarah's house. He runs after me and Sarah closes her front door. "Fuck this!!!" I yell and go and lay down in the middle of the street. "What in the fuck are you doing?!" He says coming after me, he drags me kicking and screaming to his house. Right before we walk into his front door I throw up in his bushes. He carries me upstairs and puts me in the shower, clothes and all. Once he's washed me and got me into some clean clothes he tucks me in his bed. I cover my mouth with my hand and he quickly brings a trashcan up to my face. I throw up then fall backward onto the pillow. He kisses me. "That is sooo disgusting!" I say in a hoarse voice. "You'd do it for me" "True" I say and pass out.
*Originally written January 11th 2012
Friday, May 24, 2013
Truce
Things haven't really been the same. I'm back in school and looking for work and Jonathan is spending more and more time doing things for ****** because he feels like I'm going to leave him behind. It's really a catch 22. School frustrates me because I'm a junior/senior learning about pilgrims and Indians from a 1st graders history book while all my teachers tell me I should be in college. The only thing that keeps me there is art class. It feels good to be the center of attention and applauded in a place where Jonathan can't see or scold me for it. We haven't had a blow out in awhile but we haven't been especially happy either. I decide to go see my best friends Abby and Monae for the weekend. But that is short lived when Jonathan calls every five minutes to check up on me and Abby keeps trying to snatch the phone to tell him to leave me alone. He finally calls and tries to break up with me for not answering one of his calls and I demand to be taken the 2 hour ride back home. As soon as I get there he leaves with his boys, saying it was my fault that he made plans to be out since I was out. I cry and beg and plead for him to stay home but he just says I'm making myself look childish and foolish and leaves. I try calling and threatening him to leave his house, to leave him for good but he just laughs and says go ahead. I'm so frustrated and hurt that I don't have the same power over him that he has over me. I call Abby crying. Monae wouldn't understand. I've never seen her gaga over anyone. Abby tells me how sad she is to see me so broken over a guy who doesn't respect me as he should. How I have given up everything in my life that meant something to me to try and make him better. How I should call my dad and try to fix things, come back home. I want to hang up the phone. She doesn't understand. She's a virgin. She doesn't get how connected I feel to him, how that one night changed the trajectory of my life. How it felt like I gave him a piece of my soul and how leaving him would feel like giving up on myself. She doesn't understand that calling my dad would absolve him of any guilt in abandoning me once again. The more she talks the more I see Jonathan is right, my friends don't want to see me happy, they want me to themselves. They want me to fit into the square, tidy boxes they live in. But I stay silent, making agreeing noises when the conversation calls for it. I make up my mind in that moment to stop holding back. To give Jonathan my everything, try harder to give him the child that will hold us together, to support him in everything even if that means him selling drugs. I will be the one who doesn't abandon him, I will show him unconditional love and it will give him the freedom he needs to make the changes I've been waiting for. I tell him all of this when he gets home, minus my motives, and he picks me up and spins me around. ?"You see it! You finally see how jealous those girls are that your life isn't about rules. Now it's you and me babe. You over anyone even ******. Any decision I make we'll make together." "We're a team, a packaged deal." "Yes we are! So when can I start slanging wifey?" I ask if we could discuss it the next day, he says yes and asks me to spend the night. The next morning I'm woken up by the smell of bacon but as soon as I open my eyes Jonathan laughs and dumps a water bottle on my head. I snatch it out of his hands and empty the remainder onto his. We have a water fight that ends in the shower and my world is right again.
*Originally written January 10th 2012
*Originally written January 10th 2012
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Picking Sides
That day consisted of a lot of screaming. Unlike the other times a lot of it was directed at me. Disappointment. How could I betray her trust? How could I allow them to corrupt me? How could I not be ashamed to be this version of myself infront of my sister? How could I forget that I knew better? Jonathan tried to shield me but I wanted to hear it. It was like someone screaming at me that I still mattered, I still had a chance, I could get out of this rabbit hole I had fallen into. SHE was the one woman on this earth that could understand how toxic it was for me to love her son and how much it hurt to not be able to be his savior. I wasn't allowed to spend the night anymore. She finally brought up the subject of my virginity and, once again, her disappointment in me. That I gave it away so quickly and to someone like her son who could not appreciate that gift for what it was. She wanted to know how I didn't feel betrayed, robbed, disrespected by him claiming I wasn't a virgin when I had held onto it for someone special, even after being with Aaron for so long. How could I be dumb enough to not be on my birth control. What if God forbid I had a child, brought them into this mess? How could she afford another mouth to feed all alone? How is that me not condoning Jonathan slanging meth? Part of me felt thankful that someone was recognizing my pain and another felt stabbed in the back that she was privy not just to the personal information I had given her but that she had also been her son's confidant and neither had mentioned it to me. She asked me why I quit school. How did I expect to motivate Jonathan to change if I was the only one doing the changing? It wasn't all one sided. She screamed at the boys, especially Jonathan. Although he was the middle child she had told me he had the spirit of the oldest and the other two followed his lead so she always addressed him as such. I usually was in a different room or at home when they fought so what took place before my eyes was completely foreign to me. She yelled at him and he said nothing, but as she continued I saw him snap. The way he did with me. He began to scream back. Accusing her of being a whore, a slut. That she wasn't at a woman's retreat, that she was with her n*****r boyfriend. That she hid it so her boys wouldn't kill him but that they were the ones who had slit his tires. That he found the pictures of him in her room next to her dildo. She slapped him across and he puffed up like he was going to hit her. That's when Andrew and Brett stopped him. Lisa grabbed Brett and they left. Andrew and Jonathan still fighting. I just stood there confused. I had never heard him speak to her that way. I had never heard him be so racist. I turned around and walked down the stairs and out the door. Jonathan followed me and I told him I wanted to be alone. He grabbed my arm and spun me around. I looked at him accusingly with tears streaming down my face. "It all makes sense now. Why she talks like she's given up. Why she tells me to just walk away. You don't respect women, you can't even respect your mom. She's a single mom with 3 boys who give her hell and you can't even be kind." "She's never been there for me! You don't know shit! All I have are my brothers, it's ****** baby!" He throws up his gang sign at me, which is worse than him flipping me off. I just laugh and walk away. I do know that despite what he thinks he stands for he has no clue about respect or loyalty. And I know despite what I thought we aren't on the same team.
*Originally written January 9th 2012
*Originally written January 9th 2012
Overstaying My Welcome
It's the weekend and Lisa is gone on a woman's retreat with her church. She invited me but Jonathan home alone all weekend with just the boys smells like trouble to me. My sister Nicole is over visiting my mom so she's with me at Jonathan's. Jonathan's youngest brother, Brett, is only a year or two older than my 14 year old sister. So when Jonathan gives Brett some Vodka I offer some to my sister out of the feeling of obligation. Even though I've been high since breakfast everything in me screams not to hand over the bottle. I, the real me, would NEVER do that to my little sister. My whole body sighs with relief when she refuses it. Then tenses it back up when Jonathan pressures her into it. She lets it hit her lips, scowls and hands the bottle back, asking everyone for gum or a mint. "She's not a G like you cricket eh?" She is me, I think to myself.
It's evening and we are running out of food. The day has been hilarious to say the least. Andrew is quite talkative when he is high. Brett is playing truth or dare with Jonathan and the stuff they are coming up with is hilarious. "Fuuuuccckkk!" Jonathan says staring at the cd player. He points to the display. "It's one five zero zero six o'clock! Dddaaayyyuuumm that's late! I've never stayed up that late!! Have you?" We all die laughing and explain to him that it's the total length of the cd not the time. Brett and Jonathan go down stairs to scrimmage for food and Andrew and I are still lying on the floor repeating "one five zero zero six o'clock" and laughing ourselves into a stupor again. Then I hear things falling downstairs and the boys shouting. I run out of the room to the top of the stairs and look down into the kitchen to see a big mess getting bigger. There are liters of soda strewn across the floor with their contents emptied onto the ground. Jonathan is pointing a can of cool whip towards his face and squeezes the tip. He completely misses his mouth and sprays the cabinet behind his head. He looks at it confused "Fuck! Everything is empty!!" "I know!!" Brett says after missing his mouth and pouring half the contents of an orange juice carton onto the floor. They switch the items they hold in their hands and try again to get the same results. I'm holding my sides from laughing so hard then I am falling down the stairs. Cart wheeling down. I scream. "What the hell!?" Andrew says from behind me. I'm confused. Everyone downstairs is laughing at me and I'm standing at the top step with Andrew and my sister. I realize the falling part was only in my head and start laughing too. Now Jonathan, Brett and myself are hysterical and Andrew and Nicole are confused.
Once the laughter ceases, which only got worse when we tried explaining to the other two what was going on, we order Chinese food. That's the last thing I remember before I passed out, eating Chinese food that tasted better than anything I had ever eaten and laughing at the insane mess of a house. The next thing I remember is hearing the door to in the kitchen that led into the garage open and seeing Lisa's face as she takes in the mess in the kitchen and all of us passed out in the living room....
*Originally written January 9th 2012
It's evening and we are running out of food. The day has been hilarious to say the least. Andrew is quite talkative when he is high. Brett is playing truth or dare with Jonathan and the stuff they are coming up with is hilarious. "Fuuuuccckkk!" Jonathan says staring at the cd player. He points to the display. "It's one five zero zero six o'clock! Dddaaayyyuuumm that's late! I've never stayed up that late!! Have you?" We all die laughing and explain to him that it's the total length of the cd not the time. Brett and Jonathan go down stairs to scrimmage for food and Andrew and I are still lying on the floor repeating "one five zero zero six o'clock" and laughing ourselves into a stupor again. Then I hear things falling downstairs and the boys shouting. I run out of the room to the top of the stairs and look down into the kitchen to see a big mess getting bigger. There are liters of soda strewn across the floor with their contents emptied onto the ground. Jonathan is pointing a can of cool whip towards his face and squeezes the tip. He completely misses his mouth and sprays the cabinet behind his head. He looks at it confused "Fuck! Everything is empty!!" "I know!!" Brett says after missing his mouth and pouring half the contents of an orange juice carton onto the floor. They switch the items they hold in their hands and try again to get the same results. I'm holding my sides from laughing so hard then I am falling down the stairs. Cart wheeling down. I scream. "What the hell!?" Andrew says from behind me. I'm confused. Everyone downstairs is laughing at me and I'm standing at the top step with Andrew and my sister. I realize the falling part was only in my head and start laughing too. Now Jonathan, Brett and myself are hysterical and Andrew and Nicole are confused.
Once the laughter ceases, which only got worse when we tried explaining to the other two what was going on, we order Chinese food. That's the last thing I remember before I passed out, eating Chinese food that tasted better than anything I had ever eaten and laughing at the insane mess of a house. The next thing I remember is hearing the door to in the kitchen that led into the garage open and seeing Lisa's face as she takes in the mess in the kitchen and all of us passed out in the living room....
*Originally written January 9th 2012
Only dreaming
It has become the norm for me to sit at home waiting by the phone while Jonathan runs around town making a name for his gang. A positive pregnancy test hasn't deterred him in the least. Instead it has turned a new leaf, the wrong leaf. He won't stop talking about selling meth. He is completely drawn to life his friends lead and is sold out to the idea that this is the only way we can afford a baby. He wants what they have, multiple houses, multiple cars, vacations, buying their way out of jail. All I notice is that each of their houses holds a different girlfriend with their own set of children that are completely unaware of the others. In fact this is the case even for the men that can't afford it. Some of them even doing time for back owed child support, while getting money put on their books from a different clueless baby mama. From what I can tell Jonathan and his best friend Dominic are the only ones with one girlfriend. Jonathan takes me to every kick back, every house party, baby shower, bbq. His friends are not too fond of this, they are convinced I will tell the girls out of obligation but Jonathan assures them he "would never date a snitch." And it's true, I know where my place is and the last thing I'm gonna do is fuck up my relationship for someone else.
Knowing my place...that seems to be a running theme these days and I realize that I am becoming less of myself. I notice it while we are out to dinner one night and when the waiter asks me what I want to drink I look straight at Jonathan for an answer. We have never been out in public together, Only to parties and his friends are not allowed to engage me in conversation. I remembered what happened last time he caught me talking to one of them which causes me to freeze up when the waiter asks me again. I tell Jonathan my order and he tells it to the waiter. The waiter seems baffled but walks away. "Don't act deaf and dumb when people talk to you. It makes you seem like an idiot or a snob." "I didn't know what you wanted me to do." "Speak up I don't control you. I just don't like when you get that giggle in your voice when you talk to dudes. Be respectful to me, but don't be a snob." The waiter comes back for our order and I give him mine. He says a smart comment like "You got permission to speak?" or something along those lines and I laugh. Which is followed by a swift kick to the shin. No matter what he says he does control me. I've estranged myself from all my guy friends and he is slowly trying to convince me that my best girl friend really is in love with me. One by one everyone is disappearing and he is becoming my world. The thought saddens me but the thought of losing him kills me.
We leave the restaurant because part of me can't take one more second of this talk about "slanging krystal" and because another part of me can't withstand the cramps I've suddenly incurred. I go home instead of his place. I feel like an animal hiding away to die alone. I try to go to sleep but the pain is so unbearable I have nightmares I'm being tortured and my brother wakes me up because my crying and whimpering in my sleep keep waking him. I figure I ate something bad and go to the restroom to try to throw it up. Then I feel something wet in between my legs I hurry and sit on the toilet and when I stand up I see it. The toilet is full of blood and clots of things foreign to me. After an hour or so the pain subsides and I know it's over. I grab a bottle of southern comfort and pour some into a glass of iced tea then sit at the computer googling what a miscarriage looks like, reading stories and comparing pictures. I text Jonathan that I am no longer pregnant. He tells me to come over, I inform him I am drunk and he comes to get me. We don't talk about it. We just walk up to his room and get into bed. He wraps his arms around me and we fall asleep.
I dream about a fair skinned, cherub faced little boy with jet black soft curls. I see him at different ages all at once. Newborn, infant, toddler. Laying, crawling, walking. Then I see a small coffin being placed into the ground and dirt being thrown on top of it. Right before I wake I see his tombstone...I know his name. When Jonathan wakes I tell him all about it. "I would never let you name my kid that." He's right. And I convince myself it was all just a really bad dream and that I really just got my period.
*Originally written January 8th 2012
Knowing my place...that seems to be a running theme these days and I realize that I am becoming less of myself. I notice it while we are out to dinner one night and when the waiter asks me what I want to drink I look straight at Jonathan for an answer. We have never been out in public together, Only to parties and his friends are not allowed to engage me in conversation. I remembered what happened last time he caught me talking to one of them which causes me to freeze up when the waiter asks me again. I tell Jonathan my order and he tells it to the waiter. The waiter seems baffled but walks away. "Don't act deaf and dumb when people talk to you. It makes you seem like an idiot or a snob." "I didn't know what you wanted me to do." "Speak up I don't control you. I just don't like when you get that giggle in your voice when you talk to dudes. Be respectful to me, but don't be a snob." The waiter comes back for our order and I give him mine. He says a smart comment like "You got permission to speak?" or something along those lines and I laugh. Which is followed by a swift kick to the shin. No matter what he says he does control me. I've estranged myself from all my guy friends and he is slowly trying to convince me that my best girl friend really is in love with me. One by one everyone is disappearing and he is becoming my world. The thought saddens me but the thought of losing him kills me.
We leave the restaurant because part of me can't take one more second of this talk about "slanging krystal" and because another part of me can't withstand the cramps I've suddenly incurred. I go home instead of his place. I feel like an animal hiding away to die alone. I try to go to sleep but the pain is so unbearable I have nightmares I'm being tortured and my brother wakes me up because my crying and whimpering in my sleep keep waking him. I figure I ate something bad and go to the restroom to try to throw it up. Then I feel something wet in between my legs I hurry and sit on the toilet and when I stand up I see it. The toilet is full of blood and clots of things foreign to me. After an hour or so the pain subsides and I know it's over. I grab a bottle of southern comfort and pour some into a glass of iced tea then sit at the computer googling what a miscarriage looks like, reading stories and comparing pictures. I text Jonathan that I am no longer pregnant. He tells me to come over, I inform him I am drunk and he comes to get me. We don't talk about it. We just walk up to his room and get into bed. He wraps his arms around me and we fall asleep.
I dream about a fair skinned, cherub faced little boy with jet black soft curls. I see him at different ages all at once. Newborn, infant, toddler. Laying, crawling, walking. Then I see a small coffin being placed into the ground and dirt being thrown on top of it. Right before I wake I see his tombstone...I know his name. When Jonathan wakes I tell him all about it. "I would never let you name my kid that." He's right. And I convince myself it was all just a really bad dream and that I really just got my period.
*Originally written January 8th 2012
Fish Out of Water
I am sitting on Jonathan's bed all alone in his room. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears. My eyes are puffy from crying and I'm praying fervently on end. How is this my life?
(2 hours earlier)
Jonathan texts me that he is "going on a mission. Don't come over here" He hasn't gone on one while being in ****** yet and I'm immediately sick to my stomach. I run to his house as fast as I can. I'm already crying by the time I get up to his room. "Get out" he tells me. His room is packed full of men, grown ass men, and there are guns strewn across his bed. I knew this was coming when he told me about one of the members getting shot & killed and another being put into a coma the night before. I just didn't think he would be part of it. He knows I missed my period, why would he go if we might possibly be expecting a child? "Even a baby won't change him, Emily, don't make the same mistakes as me." I hear Lisa say in my head. "You're not going" I tell him matter-of-factly. "Quiet" He says. Completely dismissing me and making a map on a piece of paper atop of his dresser. I make my way through the sea of shaved heads. I snatch the paper out from under his pen. "What the fuck!" He shouts. "Get your heina under control" says Jorge. "Shut the fuck up Jorge" I snap back. "Everyone get out" Jonathan says and they all leave the room. I'm about to explain the reason for my outburst when the I'm thrown against the wall so hard the wind is knocked out of me. He punches the wall right by my head. I fall to my knees then crumple onto my side. The sudden loss of air has triggered an asthma attack. I'm gasping for air like a fish out of water. "Shuuuuttt uupp" Jonathan is bent over face in mine, teeth clenched and speaking in the ugliest voice I've ever heard. It sounds sub-human. "BREATHE" the strange voice shouts at me through Jonathan's clenched teeth. He lifts me up into the air by the shoulders and slams me into the wall again "Breathe!" Tears are streaming down my cheeks and everything is going dark. "DAMMIT!" He shouts and kicks the wall letting me fall back onto the floor. He walks away and what feels like eons later he comes back with my inhaler and shoots it's contents into my mouth.
I wake up in a ball exactly where I last remember being with a pounding migraine. Jonathan is moving his dresser to cover the hole he kicked into his wall. A poster is already hanging over the hole made by his fist. "You need to get that shit under control." I look up at him and can tell he's high. I would have never snatched that paper if I knew he was. He's always a lit fuse when he's high or drunk."How long was I passed out for? "A couple minutes" Also explains his lack of concern at me passing out. He must be nervous about tonight. He tosses me his phone and starts to collect the guns off his bed with gloved hands. "Stay here tonight. If I don't come home before morning call ****** he's in my contacts under John. Tell him you're *****'s heina. He'll tell you what happened to me. He'll give you money to give my mom, but don't tell her who it's from say I left it behind or she won't take it. If you're pregnant than keep it for the baby." He remembers..how can he say all of this so non-chalantly. I am beginning to lose my breath again. "Take your inhaler" He snaps me out of my trance. He continues giving me instructions on where important papers are, who to call if Dominic doesn't come home, what to say if I get questioned. I silently sit there watching him clean all the guns and bullets free of prints and put them in a bag. I know I should see him differently but I don't. Nothing could make me love him less. He motions for me to come give him a hug as he gets up to leave but I shake my head no. "Ok be like that then" He says and bends down to kiss the top of my head. "I love you Cricket" He says as closes the door behind him. He calls me that because I never stop talking..but right now I don't have a thing to say.
I get up and sit on his bed. I know I won't be able to sleep. I just sit there numb, staring at nothing. I don't know whether to be angry he fought with me before leaving, sad that I let him walk away without a proper hug and kiss, worried that he might get shot, worried that he might shoot someone. I don't know where to start or where to end. I try to watch a movie but it makes me cry. I can hear Andrew in his room, he's in ****** too now but he didn't go. Oh how I wish Jonathan was like that. But that's what I love about him isn't it? His constant need to protect his reputation or add to it in this case. I cry and pray, cry and pray until I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my eyes are puffy from crying. I cannot think of what to do so I grab my bible from his bookshelf and start to read. Then I grab a pen and paper and start to write. I fold it up, lay back on the bed and talk to the baby that I know is in my womb about Jonathan and how we first met.
I'm startled by Jonathan's phone going off and I answer it. "Did you pray?" He asks me? "What?" "Did you pray?" "Yes" "Told you man! This girl's got a direct line to God foo'" He tells his audience in the car. Well you better get on your knees and thank him." He sounds as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. "Why what happened?" "We went in two cars but the guns were in ours and the car in front ours got pulled over so we kept driving but something told me to toss the guns so we did then what the fuck do you think happened?" "You got pulled over?" "Yep but we didn't have anything so they let us go with just a fix it ticket for the tint. The only people that got in trouble were the foo's with warrants out and shit." "But you're on probation!?" "I gave them Andrew's info." He explains. "I'll be home in a minute. Whooo! You better be naked!" "Omg shut up!" He laughs then whispers into the phone "Thanks babe" before hanging up I knew he didn't want to do it! When he walks through the bedroom door I hand him the note. He unfolds my fancy heart and reads it.."Who needs a bible when I got you, huh?" he says. As I hug him all is forgiven. He is mine and that is all that matters.
WHAT THE NOTE SAID
Call on him and he will be there.
Jehovah-raah: your caring Shepard. Call on him when you need direction.
Jehovah-jireh: your provider. Call on him when you need provisions.
Jehovah-shalom: your peace. Call on him when you are overwhelmed.
Jehovah-rophe: your healer. Call on him when you are sick or weak.
Jehovah-nissi: your refuge. Call on him when you are being attacked.
***Before anyone gets too concerned this is a memory of mine I have from a couple years back..no need to be alarmed***
*Originally written January 8th 2012
(2 hours earlier)
Jonathan texts me that he is "going on a mission. Don't come over here" He hasn't gone on one while being in ****** yet and I'm immediately sick to my stomach. I run to his house as fast as I can. I'm already crying by the time I get up to his room. "Get out" he tells me. His room is packed full of men, grown ass men, and there are guns strewn across his bed. I knew this was coming when he told me about one of the members getting shot & killed and another being put into a coma the night before. I just didn't think he would be part of it. He knows I missed my period, why would he go if we might possibly be expecting a child? "Even a baby won't change him, Emily, don't make the same mistakes as me." I hear Lisa say in my head. "You're not going" I tell him matter-of-factly. "Quiet" He says. Completely dismissing me and making a map on a piece of paper atop of his dresser. I make my way through the sea of shaved heads. I snatch the paper out from under his pen. "What the fuck!" He shouts. "Get your heina under control" says Jorge. "Shut the fuck up Jorge" I snap back. "Everyone get out" Jonathan says and they all leave the room. I'm about to explain the reason for my outburst when the I'm thrown against the wall so hard the wind is knocked out of me. He punches the wall right by my head. I fall to my knees then crumple onto my side. The sudden loss of air has triggered an asthma attack. I'm gasping for air like a fish out of water. "Shuuuuttt uupp" Jonathan is bent over face in mine, teeth clenched and speaking in the ugliest voice I've ever heard. It sounds sub-human. "BREATHE" the strange voice shouts at me through Jonathan's clenched teeth. He lifts me up into the air by the shoulders and slams me into the wall again "Breathe!" Tears are streaming down my cheeks and everything is going dark. "DAMMIT!" He shouts and kicks the wall letting me fall back onto the floor. He walks away and what feels like eons later he comes back with my inhaler and shoots it's contents into my mouth.
I wake up in a ball exactly where I last remember being with a pounding migraine. Jonathan is moving his dresser to cover the hole he kicked into his wall. A poster is already hanging over the hole made by his fist. "You need to get that shit under control." I look up at him and can tell he's high. I would have never snatched that paper if I knew he was. He's always a lit fuse when he's high or drunk."How long was I passed out for? "A couple minutes" Also explains his lack of concern at me passing out. He must be nervous about tonight. He tosses me his phone and starts to collect the guns off his bed with gloved hands. "Stay here tonight. If I don't come home before morning call ****** he's in my contacts under John. Tell him you're *****'s heina. He'll tell you what happened to me. He'll give you money to give my mom, but don't tell her who it's from say I left it behind or she won't take it. If you're pregnant than keep it for the baby." He remembers..how can he say all of this so non-chalantly. I am beginning to lose my breath again. "Take your inhaler" He snaps me out of my trance. He continues giving me instructions on where important papers are, who to call if Dominic doesn't come home, what to say if I get questioned. I silently sit there watching him clean all the guns and bullets free of prints and put them in a bag. I know I should see him differently but I don't. Nothing could make me love him less. He motions for me to come give him a hug as he gets up to leave but I shake my head no. "Ok be like that then" He says and bends down to kiss the top of my head. "I love you Cricket" He says as closes the door behind him. He calls me that because I never stop talking..but right now I don't have a thing to say.
I get up and sit on his bed. I know I won't be able to sleep. I just sit there numb, staring at nothing. I don't know whether to be angry he fought with me before leaving, sad that I let him walk away without a proper hug and kiss, worried that he might get shot, worried that he might shoot someone. I don't know where to start or where to end. I try to watch a movie but it makes me cry. I can hear Andrew in his room, he's in ****** too now but he didn't go. Oh how I wish Jonathan was like that. But that's what I love about him isn't it? His constant need to protect his reputation or add to it in this case. I cry and pray, cry and pray until I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my eyes are puffy from crying. I cannot think of what to do so I grab my bible from his bookshelf and start to read. Then I grab a pen and paper and start to write. I fold it up, lay back on the bed and talk to the baby that I know is in my womb about Jonathan and how we first met.
I'm startled by Jonathan's phone going off and I answer it. "Did you pray?" He asks me? "What?" "Did you pray?" "Yes" "Told you man! This girl's got a direct line to God foo'" He tells his audience in the car. Well you better get on your knees and thank him." He sounds as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. "Why what happened?" "We went in two cars but the guns were in ours and the car in front ours got pulled over so we kept driving but something told me to toss the guns so we did then what the fuck do you think happened?" "You got pulled over?" "Yep but we didn't have anything so they let us go with just a fix it ticket for the tint. The only people that got in trouble were the foo's with warrants out and shit." "But you're on probation!?" "I gave them Andrew's info." He explains. "I'll be home in a minute. Whooo! You better be naked!" "Omg shut up!" He laughs then whispers into the phone "Thanks babe" before hanging up I knew he didn't want to do it! When he walks through the bedroom door I hand him the note. He unfolds my fancy heart and reads it.."Who needs a bible when I got you, huh?" he says. As I hug him all is forgiven. He is mine and that is all that matters.
WHAT THE NOTE SAID
Call on him and he will be there.
Jehovah-raah: your caring Shepard. Call on him when you need direction.
Jehovah-jireh: your provider. Call on him when you need provisions.
Jehovah-shalom: your peace. Call on him when you are overwhelmed.
Jehovah-rophe: your healer. Call on him when you are sick or weak.
Jehovah-nissi: your refuge. Call on him when you are being attacked.
***Before anyone gets too concerned this is a memory of mine I have from a couple years back..no need to be alarmed***
*Originally written January 8th 2012
Losing Ground, Losing Self
If you have ever stood on an edge and tried to pull someone who is hanging off up onto the safety of the ledge then you understand what my relationship with Jonathan is becoming. The weight of him, his lifestyle, his nuances it's all pulling me down faster than I can get him on solid ground. The more I become addicted to his lifestyle the less stable the ledge I'm standing on is. This world I am now becoming a part of is so different than the one I am meant for that I start to feel a war raging within me. Although I read my bible everyday still I haven't been to church in months. I feel a sense of disappointment from Lisa and it's as if I've lost my only ally in my mission to help him turn is life around.
It's a Sunday morning & Jonathan & I pretend to still be asleep when Lisa comes in to wake us for church. I am slightly embarrassed that she knew I spent the night without her permission. When she arrives home I am in the kitchen. As soon as I hear the door I realize it's too late to make a dash for the room. I have been avoiding her, I know she is going to want to talk. "Good morning" she says. "Morning" I reply staring at my shoes. Suddenly I am fully aware of how much I have changed. Navy blue and white Nike cortezes with think blue laces are on my feet and I'm wearing navy blue sweats, a white beater and a blue rag in my scrunched hair. Which is now curly thanks to the birth control I'm on. "Church was really good today, you should have gone. It would have been a good message for you and Jonathan to hear." She says to me ignoring my appearance. "Yeah.. sorry we were up too late, I guess" "I heard" she says looking at something else. There is no way she is as embarrassed as me. I swear I never heard her come home. "I have something for you!" She says suddenly and runs out to the car. "I don't know if you have a place to play this but I'm sure we'll figure something out if you don't." She says as she's walking back through the door. She hands me a box of cassettes. Hillsong, Jars of Clay.. it's all a bunch of the Christian groups I loved. All the Cd's I left behind. Tears well up in my throat. How can I be so careless about someone who thinks of me when I am not around? She is everything I could want in a parent and I keep failing her. "Thank you" I manage to choke out, "We'll go next Sunday, I promise." "I knew you were still there under that costume" She says half jokingly. I smile at her and start my way towards the stairs. "Emily," she calls me back. "It's harder to pull someone up than it is to drag them down." I shake my head in agreement. Don't I know it!
*Originally written January 8th 2012
It's a Sunday morning & Jonathan & I pretend to still be asleep when Lisa comes in to wake us for church. I am slightly embarrassed that she knew I spent the night without her permission. When she arrives home I am in the kitchen. As soon as I hear the door I realize it's too late to make a dash for the room. I have been avoiding her, I know she is going to want to talk. "Good morning" she says. "Morning" I reply staring at my shoes. Suddenly I am fully aware of how much I have changed. Navy blue and white Nike cortezes with think blue laces are on my feet and I'm wearing navy blue sweats, a white beater and a blue rag in my scrunched hair. Which is now curly thanks to the birth control I'm on. "Church was really good today, you should have gone. It would have been a good message for you and Jonathan to hear." She says to me ignoring my appearance. "Yeah.. sorry we were up too late, I guess" "I heard" she says looking at something else. There is no way she is as embarrassed as me. I swear I never heard her come home. "I have something for you!" She says suddenly and runs out to the car. "I don't know if you have a place to play this but I'm sure we'll figure something out if you don't." She says as she's walking back through the door. She hands me a box of cassettes. Hillsong, Jars of Clay.. it's all a bunch of the Christian groups I loved. All the Cd's I left behind. Tears well up in my throat. How can I be so careless about someone who thinks of me when I am not around? She is everything I could want in a parent and I keep failing her. "Thank you" I manage to choke out, "We'll go next Sunday, I promise." "I knew you were still there under that costume" She says half jokingly. I smile at her and start my way towards the stairs. "Emily," she calls me back. "It's harder to pull someone up than it is to drag them down." I shake my head in agreement. Don't I know it!
*Originally written January 8th 2012
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